


Send It Up

by nofeartina



Series: Rearranged [5]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Bottom Even, Brief Sonja, Come Eating, Coming Untouched, Hurt/Comfort, Isak POV, Isak gets a bit jealous, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Recreational drug and alcohol abuse, Rimming, Self-Medication, Top Isak, blowjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-08 14:33:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12256308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofeartina/pseuds/nofeartina
Summary: It’s a strange thing to look at himself in the mirror and not really recognise the person he sees there.It’s weird seeing his body so unblemished. It’s weird seeing himself looking so wholesome. He still feels anything but, but he guesses that this is part of the recovery. This is one of the steps in the right direction.And now that he looks better, he just has to find a way to feel better.





	1. Bound to fall in love

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a series and you need to read the other parts for this to make sense. Consider yourself warned. :)
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta, Mornmeril, for working her magic with this. :)
> 
> Mind the tags on this one, peeps! We’re in for some rough weather in this part, so buckle up! Also, this deals with MI’s and bad coping mechanisms, and as I’ve said stated before this is how I’ve chosen to portray that. Please be mindful of that. 
> 
> This part has 4 chapters, and I hope you enjoy every single one of them! :D

It’s a strange thing to look at himself in the mirror and not really recognise the person he sees there.

Isak’s just had a shower and for the first time in a really long time, he stops in front of the mirror to look. And he’s so surprised by what he sees there.

One thing is the physical changes, how he looks different now from getting enough sleep and eating better. He’s sure that not drinking and smoking is helping too.

Another thing is that he doesn’t really have any marks or bruises on his body anymore. There used to be so many. Either the sex had been too rough or he had fallen over while wasted. There had always been so many reasons for those marks to be there, and he’d always felt like he deserved every last one of them.

So it’s weird seeing his body so unblemished. It’s weird seeing himself looking so wholesome. He still feels anything but, but he guesses that this is part of the recovery. This is one of the steps in the right direction.

And now that he looks better, he just has to find a way to _feel_ better.

\--||--

Isak still has his phone in his hand. He's sitting on Even's bed, elbows on his thighs and he's staring at it. Has been for a while. The screen turned off ages ago but he's stuck there. Can't move. There's too much going on in him to process.

He can hear Even come home. Can hear him shuffling around in the hallway, taking off his shoes and jacket, before he starts to carry the groceries into the kitchen. He can hear him hum while he puts the stuff away and it's such a domestic sound that Isak’s insides clench. He still can't believe he gets to have this.

He knows he's been quiet for too long when Even calls out his name.

“I'm in here,” he calls back, still not able to move from the spot on the bed.

A few seconds later Even is standing in the doorway and he only takes one look at Isak before he asks, “What’s up?”

Isak still feels like it’s too much. He can’t figure out how he feels about it, so maybe it would be good for him to talk to Even about it.

“I just talked to my dad,” he says and glances at Even to gauge his reaction.

“Okay?” Even asks and takes a few steps towards Isak. He’s hesitant, has a frown on his face.

“How did that go?”

Isak nods and shrugs. He’s not sure.

“I don’t know. I guess it went well?” He looks at Even fully now, licks his lips nervously. “He wants us to meet.”

Even _hmms_ at that and sits down next to Isak.

“Do you want that?” he asks carefully.

Isak shrugs and looks down at the phone again. He’s so conflicted about it. He’s spent such a long time resenting his dad, that it’s hard for him to let it all go. But he’s beginning to suspect that maybe he’s resented him for something that really wasn’t his fault.

“Maybe?” he finally settles on.

Even huffs, pleased, and puts an arm around Isak to pull him in for a kiss.

“Maybe is a much better start than no,” Even says against his lips, making Isak smile with him.

Yeah. It feels like it is.

\--||--

Isak is cooking. He has his tablet in front of him with a very thorough recipe for lasagne and he’s completely focused on following the instructions the best he possibly can. The recipe said that it would take one and a half hours to make, but so far he’s been at it for two and he’s not even close to done. Cutting vegetables takes forever, and just that part alone had taken almost an hour, so he can’t understand how anybody can do it all in one and a half hours.

The meat sauce is bubbling on the stove and he’s stirring it, looking intently at the clock for it to have simmered for 30 minutes precisely so he can start assembling the lasagne.

He’s racing the clock. He’d been hoping that he would’ve had it done for when Even comes home, to surprise him, but he can see that there’s no way in hell that he’ll be able to do that now. There’s still 10 minutes left for the meat sauce to be done and Even will be home from work any second now. He feels so annoyed with himself. He can’t even do these little things fucking right. He’s such a failure.

And just as he’s finishing that particular thought he can hear the front door opening.

“Hi, babe,” Even shouts from the hallway and Isak is suddenly so disappointed in himself that he can’t even answer back.

This is fucking ridiculous. Stupid fucking hard recipe, stupid fucking lasagne. He doesn’t even like it all that much. He’s only making it because Even had mentioned his mother’s lasagne a few weeks back, had talked about how good it was. And he knows that Even’s been totally stressed lately with work and school and he just wanted to do something nice for him for a change.

He’s even gotten the receipe from Even’s mother and she’d been so thrilled to give it to him. But of course he can’t do it right. He’s so fucking bad at this. Who is he even trying to kid? Pretending to be a good boyfriend, when it’s so clear that he’s just no good at it, that he’s actually really fucking bad at it.

Even comes into the kitchen and breaks out in a big smile when he sees Isak cooking.

“Oh god, it smells so good in here, what are you making?” he says happily, gives Isak a brief kiss on the cheek, which Isak doesn’t return, fuck no, and proceeds to take the spoon out of the sauce to taste it.

Isak is left there with his mouth open in surprise. You don’t fucking lick the spoon you’re using to cook with. But Even just puts it back in the sauce, like it’s nothing, and starts rummaging through the spices in the spice rack.

“It’s good, it just needs a bit of…” he mutters, but it’s not really directed at Isak.

He apparently finds what he’s looking for as he takes a canister out and pours some of its contents into the pot. He puts it back and starts looking through the spices again.

Isak didn’t even know they had that many spices, let alone how to use them. He just stands there, watching Even completely take over, tasting the sauce, adding new spices and Isak is _boiling_.

“You can just fucking do it yourself, if you think that I’m that bad at it!” Isak shouts and storms out of the kitchen, leaving a baffled Even behind.

Isak has nowhere to go and ends up standing awkwardly in the middle of the living room. He debates with himself whether he should just go home and let Even stay here with his improved sauce all by himself, but before he can make a decision Even is standing in the doorway looking at him. He’s hesitant in the way he approaches Isak and he looks so surprised that Isak feels his cheeks burn with shame.

“I’m sorry if…” Even starts but Isak cuts him off.

“It doesn’t matter, you do it much better than me anyway.”

And Isak doesn’t know who he’s trying to fool by saying that it doesn’t matter, because it clearly _does_. He has his arms crossed, still so fucking angry that he doesn’t know which foot to stand on.

“Isak,” Even says carefully and takes a step into the living room towards him. “What’s going on?”

Isak huffs angrily. Even should know what’s going on, coming into the kitchen like that.

“Do you know how long I’ve been at it? Do you fucking know how hard that recipe is? All those fucking vegetables! I…”

And he stops because Even is fucking smiling at him. _Fucking smiling!_ Which just makes Isak angrier for some reason.

“Stop fucking smiling at me! I’m trying to do something nice for you for a change, but that motherfucking recipe is just too hard and I’m so fucking slow, and then you just come in and ruin it! It was supposed to be finished now!”

“Were you going to surprise me with my mom’s lasagne, babe?” Even says and he’s full on beaming now and Isak wants to huff and put his foot down, but he can feel his resolve dissolve.

“Stop being cute! You’re being ridiculous!”

Isak tries to latch on to his anger, he had a reason for it, goddammit, but Even just takes a few steps closer to him, hand on his own chest, and laughs.

“You think I’m cute?”

“Oh my god!” The eye roll Isak makes at that can be felt in his brain, this is so stupid, Even is being so stupid.

Even takes another step towards Isak, putting him within touching distance, but he keeps back.

He sounds more serious as he asks, “Are you really angry with me?”

Isak shifts from one foot to the other. How is it that Even always cuts to the chase like that? There’s no way Isak can tell him the truth and sound like an adult. But he’s feeling too petty to just let it go.

“Yes! Leave my fucking food alone!”

He doesn’t tell him about that hole inside of him, the one that grows bigger every time Even just bulldozes over him like that. Because Even knows better, is so much better at adulting than Isak is. But on the other hand, he’s really bad at letting Isak learn, to let Isak do things at his own pace.

Even puts up his hands to appease him.

“Okay. I won’t touch your meat sauce. I promise.”

Isak huffs at that. Still shaking with anger that he now has no outlet for.

Even closes the distance between them, steps much closer to Isak than Isak wants him to right now, but he tilts his head in that way he does when he thinks Isak is being cute.

“How can I make it up to you?” he asks in a tone of voice that leaves no doubt what he’s asking for.

And Isak just huffs again, still has his arms crossed in front of him, still not ready to let go of his anger yet.

“No,” he says and leans back from Even a bit.

“No?” Even asks his face breaking out into another smile and his hand finds Isak’s groin and starts to rub it through the fabric.

Isak can feel his dick spring to attention. It’s such a slut for Even’s touch, but he stays there impassively, waiting for Even to make his next move.

“No? You don’t want to fuck my mouth and come all over my face to teach me a lesson?” he asks in a low voice, the one he knows breaks down Isak’s resolve every goddamn time.

How the fuck can Isak say no to that?

So he does. And it turns out that feeding his dick to his boyfriend, making him choke on it repeatedly, covering his face and ridiculous extravagant hair style in Isak’s cum, is exactly the kind of anger relief that Isak needs.

He’s standing there panting, holding his shirt up with one hand, the other still grabbing onto Even’s hair, looking down at him. Even, in turn, is looking up at him, out of breath as well, with puffy, red lips and staring at Isak wide-eyed and slack-mouthed in the best of ways. He has a gleam in his eye and his pants are obviously tented. Cum is starting to drip down his face and he blinks at it so Isak takes pity on him and takes off his own t-shirt and uses it to wipe Even’s face gently.

He squats down and kisses him softly on the lips. Even pushes back, is clearly interested in more, but Isak doesn’t let him. He pulls back and wipes at Even’s eyes, and he waits to speak until Even opens them to look at him.

“Let me do things myself. I’ll never learn if you keep doing them for me,” he says in a low, earnest voice, imploring Even to hear the importance of these words.

Even blinks at him a few times, looks at Isak with a keen interest, like he’s seeing a totally new side of him, and then he nods. He stays serious and Isak is so happy about that. He couldn’t stand Even disarming him right now with one of those smiles of his.

Isak nods resolutely at him and then stands up. He leaves Even to go into the bedroom to get another t-shirt, and he smiles when he hears Even shouting after him.

“Aren’t you going to help me with this?”

On the way to the kitchen Isak pops his head into the living room, where Even is still kneeling on the floor, his hand rubbing his dick through his pants. In the most obnoxious way possible, Isak just smiles at him.

“Where’s the lesson in that?”

Even groans at that, and looks like he can’t really believe that Isak won’t get him off in return and that just makes Isak smile even harder.

As he turns around he says, “I have to assemble the lasagne now.”

And he leaves Even like that.

He’s smiling as he works in the kitchen, the meat sauce tastes excellent and the béchamel sauce is just right and he’s layering it just as Even’s mom described.

The moan that Even produces as he tastes it a while later makes Isak’s insides flutter and his heart beat faster.

This. This is how it’s supposed to be like. With him taking care of Even as well.

\--||--

“Okay, I need a favour,” Isak says and shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

It’s ridiculous how hard it is for him to ask Even for things, even after all this time, even though he knows that Even probably won’t say no to him.

It’s just not natural for him to ask things of other people. He’s afraid it never will, but he pushes himself to try. He really wants that to change.

“Sure,” Even says. It’s never a big deal for him.

Even is making their bed and doesn’t even pause in tearing the sheet off the bed. And somehow that makes it easier for Isak to ask him.

“I’m meeting up with some old friends on Friday,” he says, and takes a deep breath to get the next words out. “I really want you to come with me.”

Even stops what he’s doing and looks at him, surprised.

“Yeah?” he says and his voice is rough enough that he clears his throat, but Isak is kind enough to pretend that he didn’t notice.

“Yeah, we’re meeting up at this bar for a beer, and I want you to meet them.”

Even looks at him funnily, with a frown on his face and he looks like he wants to say something but is holding back. Isak quickly realises and corrects himself.

“I’m not having beer obviously.”

Isak takes a step towards him, needs to be closer to do this right.

“Sure. Old friends you say?” Even asks, like it’s no big deal, like Isak isn’t asking him for something that he’s been agonising over for a few days now.

Even smiles at him, like he does, and leans into Isak to kiss him, before turning back to the bed to continue stripping the cover off the duvet. Isak goes to help him, takes a pillow and finds that it’s much easier to say things when his hands are working.

And suddenly it’s all rushing out of him. So much has happened recently that Even hasn’t been a part of, and he’s sorry that he hasn’t included Even before. So he tries to remedy that now.

“Yeah. A group of guys I knew at Nissen. One of them used to be my best friend.”

Even raises an eyebrow at him, doesn’t have to say it, Isak already knows what he wants to ask; _used to be?_ and Isak has made a promise to Even to always answer his questions, so he does.

“Jonas and I go way back. But around the time my mom got really bad and my dad left, we just kind of drifted apart.”

He doesn’t want to say anymore, though he will if Even asks.

But it’s so hard getting those words over his lips. How hurt he’d been at all the homophobic comments in the group. How they called each other fags as a slur, how, by doing that, they’d made it painfully obvious to Isak that being gay wasn’t an option, it wasn’t something you could happily be.

And Isak had taken that lesson to heart, had tried to hide it for a long, long time, but when everything else had come crashing down around him, he just wasn’t able to hide anymore. So he’d cut them off. Found new friends who didn’t care, in every way, and he had found Andreas.

It hadn’t even been that hard of a struggle to cut them off, back then. They hadn’t really put up much of a fight. And Isak had been so fucking disappointed at that. Especially at Jonas. That he just let him go that easily.

He knows now that that isn’t true. He knows now that Jonas had struggled with it for a long, long time. Still is. Had stood by and watched Isak fall apart, but ultimately felt like it was Isak’s choice.

The conversation where Jonas and Isak apologized to each other had been such a painful one. But completely necessary for them to move forward. Now they were both trying to make amends, trying to get close to each other again. And with Jonas come Mahdi and Magnus.

It’s easy being with them. Easy in a way that it’s never been with Martin, Anders and Thomas. And he really wants things back in his life that are easy. There are too many hard things as it is.

And Isak wants to share that easiness with Even, wants Even to be included in every aspect of his life now. No more hiding things from him, he’s decided. And this is a good first step.

\--||--

Isak thinks about that night a lot. He thinks about how it felt when Even told him that he loved him in that raw way that he did. Isak had felt it in his _bones_. It had felt so right to say it back, like the only possible thing he could’ve done. Because he did. He does. So, so much. He’s never loved like he does now. Even is everything to him. He’s his entire _world_.

He just doesn’t know where he would be, what he would do, without him.

But they haven’t said it since.

It’s been on the tip of his tongue so many times, but he’s scared to say it all over again. He’s scared because Even wasn’t really in a good place when he said it, he was angry and scared and in that pre-manic state, where apparently he does things he tends to regret. Isak is scared that this is one of the things that he wouldn’t do normally, and that that’s why he hasn’t said it since.

But Isak feels it in every cell of his body, and it’s a truth like no other for him. He loves Even. With everything he’s got, everything he is.

He loves him so much it scares the shit out of him. He’s never felt so raw about anything in his life, and it makes him afraid with how much control over himself he’s just handed over to Even willingly. Even could destroy him in a blink of an eye. He’s left himself much more vulnerable than he ever promised himself that he would.    

The thing is, he trusts Even not to. He _knows_ that Even will never break his heart. He doesn’t just understand it, he knows it.

He loves Even. And even if Even doesn’t say it, he knows that Even loves him. And that’s good enough. It has to be.

\--||--

Isak is looking through the calendar app on his phone. He hates how fucking disorganized he is with these things, but he’s just never cared enough about it to really keep a record. It’s never mattered to him where the parties were, just that they were happening. It was always the others keeping track, getting invited, telling him where to go.

He’s suddenly sorry that he deleted the group chat. If he hadn’t done that, he knows that with patience he would be able to track the information he’s looking for in there.

He sighs and is suddenly so tired. He wonders again for the millionth time if this is really worth it. But he knows it is. He knows it. He has to give back to Even as well, he’s been cashing in way too much. It’s time for him to do something over the top for Even.

So he puts on his big boy pants and waits around for Anders after a lecture. Anders stops in his tracks when he sees him, but then he smiles. It’s not a particularly nice smile, though. Isak knows he kind of deserves it, he didn’t really handle the aftermath of the fight with Martin that well.

“Well well, look who we have here,” Anders says as a way of greeting.

Isak grits his teeth. He has to do this, he reminds himself.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Isak asks.

Anders takes another step towards him, but stops far enough away that he’s not making Isak uncomfortable. Anders always was the best of those boys.

“I just need to ask you something,” Isak continues, just wants this over with so he can go home to Even and cuddle up to him and forget about this humiliating experience.

“Sure. So now I’m useful,” Anders says mockingly.

Isak closes his eyes. He just needs to get this over with, and then he never has to talk to any of them again.

“Just…” Isak sighs. He really doesn’t want to get into this. He just wants the information and get out of there.

He takes a deep breath and continues.

“Do you know the party we went to at Petter’s? It was around six months ago?”

Anders looks confused and shakes his head a bit.

“Yeah, Martin brought that really good weed and Petter’s house had that pool out back?”

Isak could’ve also said, _the one where I hooked up with that brunette in the bathroom_ , but he knows that wouldn’t have narrowed it down for Anders.

Anders looks like he’s trying to remember, and then he shrugs and says, “Yeah, I guess. Why?”

“Do you know the precise date for it?”

Isak takes a step closer to Anders in his eagerness. He’s so desperate for this date that he would do anything by now to know it. Is doing almost that as it turns out.

Anders pauses for a long time, just looking at Isak, and then he takes out his phone. He scrolls through his calendar app for a while, and Isak is fidgeting in front of him.

“It was on the 23rd of October,” Anders finally says.

Isak can’t help but break out in a smile.

“Thanks, man!”

And his mind is already racing with that knowledge, he still has time. That’s in 2 days so he’s lucky he got hold of Anders today.

“What’s going on, Isak?” Anders asks while he pockets his phone.

Isak shrugs, doesn’t really want to tell Anders anything about the life he’s living now.

“Okay,” Anders says, frowning. “So that’s it? You’ll just stop talking to me again?”

And that kind of makes Isak feel bad.

“Anders,” he says and licks his lips nervously. He has a hard time standing still, hadn’t really prepared for this conversation in his eagerness to get the date, even though he probably should have.

“You know why I can’t hang out with you guys anymore,” he finally settles for after making the pause a bit too long.

Anders looks at his shoes, and if Isak didn’t know better he would say he almost looks embarrassed.

“I know that what Martin did was stupid, but he’s sorry about it. If you would only talk to him, would let him apologise to you…”

But Isak has to stop him, can’t stand how they think he needs to let Martin apologise to him.

“He tried to choke me, Anders. Do you understand that?” he says angrily, and this is not the first time they’ve had this discussion, but if Isak has anything to say about it, this will be the last.

“I don’t ever want to see him again, let alone have him apologise to me. And the fact that you all think I owe him that for some reason just makes me realise that you’re not really my friends.”

He doesn’t really mean for it to be so harsh, and he can see Anders visibly recoiling, but Isak is done with this. He’s done with them.

“Thanks for the information, but I’m going to go now,” Isak says and he feels confident about this decision to stop seeing them in a way that just makes him feel good about himself. Like he’s finally making some right choices for himself.

“This is fucked up,” Anders says and sounds like he thinks Isak is being ridiculous. And that just cements Isak’s feelings about this decision.

“Goodbye, Anders,” he says and starts to walk away.

Anders doesn’t try to stop him, and he’s at least grateful for that.

\--||--

Two days later Isak is nervous. He doesn’t want to be, wishes with every bone in his body he could be cool about this, but he’s afraid of how Even will take this gesture.

Although he does feels like Even will appreciate the hell out of Isak being the romantic for once.

But he wants to do this with Even, he wants to worship Even like this. But he’s not sure that Even is going to enjoy everything about this. As eager of a bottom as Even is, he sometimes surprises Isak with how little he knows about it.

When Isak got together with Andreas and Isak learned how good buttsex could be, he googled the hell out of it. He wanted to know everything he could about it.

But Even’s not like that. He’s just not curious in the same way that Isak is, although he’s adventurous enough. It’s just normally Isak that proposes the new stuff.

This time won’t be different.

He’s still pacing the living room when he hears Even come home.

He waits for him to take off his jacket and shoes and for him to enter the living room. Isak lets himself be kissed and he almost lets himself disappear into that kiss a bit, finds himself deepening it and pulling Even into him.

He’s on his way to push a moaning, willing Even into the wall and just have his way with him there, when he remembers that he’s actually got something planned.

So he reluctantly pulls back, catches his breath with his lips a few centimetres from Even’s, like he’s unsure that he really wants to pull back.

He clears his throat to pull himself from the daze and smiles back stupidly when that makes Even smile at him.

“I have a surprise for you,” Isak says and Even lights up.

“Yeah? Gimme!” he says, already completely on board, and Isak’s insides explode with happiness and gratitude for this man.

So he points to the small plastic bag on the table and Even immediately breaks away from him to grab it. He looks disappointed and confused when he looks in it.

“What is this?” he says and looks at Isak strangely.

Isak can’t help laughing. He’s enjoying this, even though he shouldn’t be.

“That’s a douche. There’s some things I want to try with you, and you need to be clean to do it,” Isak calmly explains, tries to not make it seem weird.

Even’s entire face is scrunched up and he looks at the box in the bag and it seems he almost doesn’t want to touch it. Isak huffs out a laugh again, puts both his hands on Even’s cheeks and gives him a quick peck.

“I promise I’ll make it worth your while, babe,” Isak says in a low voice that finally makes Even focus on him, and Isak knows he’s won when he can see Even swallow nervously.

“Okay,” he says and nods. “Okay.”

Even goes to the bathroom and Isak sits down on the couch to wait while going through the apps in his phone.

Half an hour later he’s impatient enough to go knock on the door to the bathroom.

“Do you need help?” he obnoxiously asks and he can hear an annoyed grunt from inside. He can’t help but snigger and goes into the kitchen to start heating up their dinner.

It takes another 20 minutes before Even leaves the bathroom and he can’t look Isak in the eyes as he does.

He stands in the doorway, arms crossed in front of him, and he looks almost angry. Isak’s suddenly afraid if it was too much. It shouldn’t be, but it’s hard to predict people’s limits.

“Are you alright?” he can’t help but ask as he takes a step towards Even.

Even finally unlocks his arms and says, “That was probably the most horrifying thing I’ve ever done for sex in my life.”

And Isak just can’t keep the laughter in anymore. It’s a full-on belly-laugh, and he knows that it’s unfair of him, Even is powerless against him laughing like that, but he just can’t help it. And thankfully it doesn’t take long for Even to join him. Isak doesn’t fight the pull, just walks right over to him and kisses the laughter away.

“What now?” Even finally asks.

“Now we eat!” Isak says happily, pointing to the table that he’s set with two plates full of food. Thank god it’s still warm.

Even is squirming in his seat the entire time they’re eating and Isak notices. He can’t help but smile at it, knows that he’ll make it so worth the small discomfort Even is feeling right now. But he needs Even to relax fully, so when they’re done with dinner, he takes his hand, leads him into their bathroom again, and slowly strips them both.

“In here?” Even asks and he’s so deliciously confused that Isak can’t help but kiss the frown off his face.

“Now we shower,” Isak says.

He knows that when he had this done to him the first time he’d had such a hard time relaxing because he wasn’t sure he was clean enough. He doesn’t want Even to feel like that. So he’s going to go all out for him.

Even is being a good sport, is letting Isak lead him into the small shower stall they have which barely fits the two of them. But this is one of Isak’s favourite things. He loves having Even there beside him, even though it’s too cramped and one of them is always getting cold from not being under the spray. But Isak wants to take care of Even, show him how much he loves him.

Isak shuffles them around so Even has his back to Isak and he starts washing him. He takes their bodywash and gently rubs it into Even’s skin to work up a lather. He uses the soapy bubbles to ease the way of his fingers as he gently massages Even’s shoulders to make him lose the tension of the day. It’s a heady feeling taking care of Even like this. To feel him relax under his hands, under his touch.

It’s enough to fill Isak up completely, enough to make him close the distance between them and plaster himself to Even’s back. The slide of their skin against each other, slippery with soap, feels so good that he has to lean in and kiss Even’s cheek gently. He knows his dick is rubbing into Even’s perfect ass, but he doesn’t care about that right now. He just wants to make Even feel good.

Even hums under him, his eyes are closed and the way he just stands there and lets Isak do to him what he wants makes Isak almost dizzy with want.

He’s not sure he actually understands just how much trust Even puts in him until something like this happens. Isak really hopes that he’ll never do anything to break that trust. He’ll work his hardest at showing Even, for as long as he’ll let him, that he’s worthy of it.

He leans back enough that his hand can slide down between their bodies. He lets it slide slowly and easily down Even’s back, until he reaches his crack. He knows Even’s clean there, that was what this was all about, but he wants to make sure that he’s comfortable as well, so he just glides his hand further down.

It’s not really a move meant to be sexual as such, but as his soapy hand slides over Even’s crack, Even shifts and spreads his legs, making room for Isak’s hand.

Isak continues to wash him there, not so much to make Even clean anymore, but he loves how his hand and fingers are starting to coax little sighs and moans of pleasure out of Even. It’s an addicting feeling to realise that he can make Even want with so little.

“You don’t think I’m clean enough down there?” Even asks. His breath is already starting to speed up and Isak can hear him smiling as he says it.

“Shh, let me take care of you, baby,” Isak whispers, trying to get the mood back. Although he loves how fun their sex is, how easy it is for them to tease each other, he also understands that Even uses his smile as a tool when he’s embarrassed. And Isak doesn’t want him to be. He wants him to just enjoy.

Isak finishes up by squatting down and gently washing Even’s long legs as well. He runs his hands all the way from Even’s white thighs, down his knobby knees and further down to his delicate ankles. When he’s satisfied that Even is sufficiently clean and relaxed, he sits back on his haunches.

“Turn around,” he says and Even does immediately.

He looks up at Even through his eyelashes, understands very well the kind of picture he paints kneeling in front of Even like this and Even sighs at it. It always makes Isak’s chest burst with pride with how his looks affect Even.

He lets his hand slowly slide up the inside of Even’s leg again, lets Even feel the glide and the intention of his hand this time, all the while keeping his eyes on Even’s. He wants to see every shift in his face, every twitch of pleasure.

Even’s mouth is open and his hair is slicked back and he looks like a vision like this. Skin glistening with water and his chest expanding rapidly with his breathing.

Isak keeps sliding his hand up, over the softness of Even’s inner thighs, not stopping there even though he can feel it shiver slightly under his touch, making him want to pause here where Even is most sensitive. But he doesn’t. He bites his lip as his hand cups Even’s balls. Puts his hand gently around them, like he wants to protect them, while gently rolling them with his fingers.

Even visibly swallows at that. There’s so many places on Even that coaxes these reactions out of him, makes his pupils dilate, so many in fact, that Isak tends to forget this one.

And what a mistake to make. Because as Isak starts to massage them, gently, gently, just barely moving his hand on them, he can feel the skin move under his fingers and Even reaches out to steady himself on the wall of the shower stall.

Fuck. They need to get this going now, Isak can feel his dick pulse at how turned on Even already looks and they haven’t even really started.

He reluctantly lets go of Even’s balls, gets up and although he tries to fight the compulsion, he has to lean in and kiss Even, he has to. It quickly turns desperate, tongue and teeth and Isak pants with it.

It’s so easy to forget himself in Even’s kisses, so easy to divert from his plans when Even takes over all his senses like this, but he remembers. He needs to remember.

He pulls back a bit, just enough that he can open his eyes and look at Even, although he’s almost too close for Isak to really be able to focus on him.

“Let’s get dry,” he whispers against Even’s mouth.

They somehow manage to calmly get out of the shower and they dry off without taking their eyes off each other even once.

Isak is still wet, too impatient to dry himself off completely, before he takes the towel from Even and throws both of them on the floor. He ignores Even’s sound of protest at that, _they’ll deal with the fucking towels later_ , and pulls Even behind him by his hand to the bedroom.

“Get on your hands and knees.”

Isak’s voice is rough and low, and he tries to put as much authority into it as he can. He must be doing something right, must sound perfect in Even’s ears, because he just nods and climbs on the bed, while muttering _fuck_.    

Isak walks behind him on the bed on his knees, thoroughly enjoying how good Even looks like this, totally exposing himself to Isak.

He’s a sight to behold. He’s panting already, his chest swiftly rising and falling and he’s arching his back enough that Isak can see _everything_. Even’s hole already looks a bit red and puffy and Isak’s stomach clenches with how much he _wants_.

“Fuck, you look so good like this, baby,” Isak says and almost doesn’t recognise his own voice. It’s amazing how affected he gets by Even.

The answering whine that Even produces at that makes Isak’s dick twitch, and makes him lose his patience a bit.

“Arch your back more for me.”

Isak puts his hand on the small of Even’s back and pushes down gently, just enough for Even to get the idea and Even follows his instructions so beautifully. The shift in position makes Isak’s mouth water, all the really interesting bits of Even just his for the taking like that.

He slides his hand lower until it’s resting on Even’s ass cheek and Even sighs at that small movement. Isak can’t wait anymore. He has to taste now, has been looking forward to this for too long now.

So he does.

He leans in and with his hand he pulls Even’s dick down so he can get his tongue on it. And then without any further warning he licks a stripe from Even’s tip, up the entirety of his dick, up his balls, his perineum and finally all the way up his crack. It’s fast and his tongue is broad and Even is clearly surprised by this. He falls forward on the bed as soon as Isak’s tongue has reached the top of his crack like he’s lost all the strength in his body and can’t hold himself up.

“Fucking hell!” Even says in a loud surprised voice.

It leaves Isak feeling incredibly smug, and he has a hard time keeping it out of his voice as he asks Even to get back up.

Even does. He kneels there, clearly waiting for Isak to continue, already shaking.

His hole winks at Isak, and Isak can’t help but lean in to lick over it. He continues with the broad strokes, lets Even get used to the foreign feeling of being rimmed. Isak knows how overwhelming it can be, so he takes his time with it.

It doesn’t take long for Even to give in to it, though. He gets down on his elbows and pushes his ass back in Isak’s face and Isak _loves_ it.

There’s nothing like Even giving himself over to the pleasure that Isak can provide, it makes Isak push out his chest and preen. The sounds that pour out of Even make Isak’s dick throb, but he fights the compulsion to just dive in and take. He really wants to do this for Even, to make this as good as possible for him.

He keeps his strokes broad and slow, alternating between just his hole and the entire crack, focusing a bit on his balls and the perineum and Even sounds like he’s in heaven. His dick is already leaking and Isak is so fascinated by how wet it already is. He can’t help but put his hand around it and rub the wetness into his dick, can’t help but lean down and lick it off. And that makes Even keen high in his throat and his thighs start to shake.

His head is hanging between his arms, and Isak knows that it won’t be long before he’s lost strength in them as well.

He starts pointing his tongue, starts focusing more on Even’s rim and Even can’t hold back the moans anymore. He’s getting loud and it’s like music to Isak’s ears. He wants him louder, wants it all.

When he breaches him with the tip of his tongue, Even’s arms gives out and Isak can feel how his body heats up. He takes his hand away from Even’s dick, and strokes his thigh to help ground him a bit. Even’s skin is damp with sweat under his hand and he loves it.

He starts thrusting into Even with his tongue, getting further and further in, and as soon as he can he adds a finger. Even’s hole is wet with spit and his finger slides in easily and Even mutters _fuck, fuck!!_ at it. And it makes Isak heat up as well, makes his skin turn damp as well, and he can’t help but start moaning.

It’s not long before he adds another finger, and he starts scissoring his fingers inside Even so he can get his tongue in there as well. As he starts licking at the walls inside Even, as far as he can reach with his tongue, really getting into it, Even starts wailing. A continuous sound just pouring from him. His fists are clenched tight in the duvet under him and he spreads his legs further, making more room for Isak.

Isak is so desperate now. His own dick is almost hurting between his legs now, his balls are pulled up tight and he can’t stand it anymore. The time for going slow is over, and he feels like he might die if he doesn’t get inside of Even now.

He reluctantly leans back, completely torn between making Even feel good with his tongue and fingers, and getting his dick inside of him.

He grabs the lube and a condom that he had the foresight to put near the bed earlier, and in no time he’s ready. In his haste to get inside of Even he simply focuses on coating Even’s insides with lube, making him wet enough for him to get inside without hurting him too much.  He doesn’t open Even up more than he already has. Knows how much Even likes the burn, and Isak would be a fool to deny himself the tightness Even provides like that.

Isak smears what’s left of the lube on his fingers onto his dick hastily and without any hesitation he gets in position behind Even, lines himself up and pushes in.

He bottoms out in one fast stroke and stays there for a few seconds to catch his breath and keep his sanity.

Even feels so good, his walls are hugging him in all the right ways and he’s gritting his teeth to stay still. He has both hands on Even’s hips, and it’s a good thing as Even’s legs seem to give out as Isak bottoms out, making him the one holding Even up.

Isak shifts on the bed, getting his knees under Even a bit and giving him more leverage to start thrusting into Even’s pliant body.

Even is covered in sweat now, red all over and he’s making sounds that Isak has never heard him make before. Isak almost can’t handle how receptive Even is to him, it makes him want to pick Even up and kiss him until he can’t breathe, makes him want to wreck him even more.

Instead of doing either, he just pulls back a bit only to slam right back in immediately. And then he does the same thing one more time, punching even more beautiful sounds out of Even.

Isak sets a brutal pace, completely designed to get them both off as fast as possible.

He leans in over Even, starts kissing at his warm shoulders, biting them much more gently than the position would call for. He makes sure that Even has enough strength in his legs to hold himself up, and then he puts his arm around Even to get his hand on him.

Even’s dick is leaking precum like there’s no tomorrow.

Isak starts stroking him immediately and Even begins to thrash on the bed, like he can’t keep still but doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. Isak holds him through it, whispers endearments into his skin even though he’s not really sure that Even can even hear him.

Isak can feel the tightening in his own groin, can feel his balls pull up under him, can feel his thighs and chest tremble with his imminent release. He’s holding off the best he can, though. He wants Even to come first.

He tightens his grip on Even’s dick and strokes faster and Even comes almost immediately at that.

Isak can feel his dick pulse in his hand, can feel Even start to convulse under him and his walls tighten almost unbearably around him. Even’s mouth is open in a silent scream and his eyes are clenched tight.

It’s very rare that his orgasms are quiet like that, but when they are it’s a very good sign.

Isak clenches his grip on Even’s hip to be able to stand how tight his channel is, how his walls are fluttering around his dick and it’s edging him along, making it almost impossible for him to stave off his orgasm long enough to pull out.

Even finally makes a sound as Isak pulls out, it’s not a happy sound, but Isak doesn’t stop. He strips off the condom real fast and starts stroking himself fast and hard.

He starts coming after only a few seconds of this, shoots rope after rope of cum all over Even’s ass and hole and watches how it starts dripping down his crack, down his perineum and his thighs. The sight of his milky white cum painting Even like this forces another rope out of him and his balls almost aches with it.

He’s left panting and shivering, just barely keeping himself up over Even. He’s still stroking his dick, but it’s gentle and slow now, just on the verge of over-stimulation, but he loves that edge, tries to keep himself there. He rubs his cum into the skin of Even’s ass with the tip of his still-hard dick and Even makes a sound like he’s dying at that.

Isak knows that Even must be feeling raw and sore by now, all that rimming and rough fucking has left his hole looking more puffy and red. It almost looks _abused_ now.

But Isak can’t help it. He needs to taste himself on Even like that, needs to taste himself on Even’s skin.

So the moment he’s caught his breath enough, he leans in and starts licking his cum off Even’s ass. He starts on the cheeks, but as he gets close to Even’s hole Even makes a distressed sound in his throat and shifts like he’s trying to get away from Isak’s probing tongue.

Isak stops for a second. Lets Even make the decision whether he should continue or not, and he waits until Even impatiently pushes back into him, arches his back even more, opening himself up to Isak by reaching behind himself and putting both hands on his cheeks.

Isak loves him. Loves how dirty he is, how he knows what to do to make Isak feel like he’s dying of want. The sight of Even like that in front of him, offering himself up to Isak in such a way makes his heart beat so fast he’s almost afraid it’ll jump right out of his chest.

He dives in immediately, rims Even all over again, licks up the delicious taste of his cum on Even’s ass like this.

He lives for the sounds that spill from Even’s lips, even though he sounds like he’s crying a bit. But Isak knows that it’s the good kind of tears. The kind of tears that spill when it starts to feel too good.

So he keeps licking, makes sure that his tongue dips inside of Even a couple of times, forcing even louder moans out of him, and he licks it all off, cleans Even up completely.

When he’s satisfied that he’s gotten it all, he lets go of Even who immediately collapses onto the bed. His chest is heaving and he’s still shaking, so Isak doesn’t hesitate to lie down on top of him and cover him the best he can.

He shushes him, strokes his sides, kisses every part of him he can. He’s slow and gentle and loving and slowly Even stops shaking under him and starts humming contentedly instead. Isak can feel his happy hums in his entire body and it’s the best feeling in the world.

He doesn’t even think about it, just lets the urge to tell Even take over.

“Happy anniversary, babe,” he whispers into Even’s skin. He’s smiling and wondering if Even remembers as well.

It might be a bad time to ask Even to make his brain work though, because he just makes a _huh?_ sound and nuzzles further into the pillow.

“Today is exactly 6 months since I saw you for the first time,” Isak continues.

And that gets a reaction out of Even. He lifts his head and frowns like he’s trying to figure out if Isak’s right.

“It’s true.” Isak can’t help but rub his smile into Even’s skin, he’s so cute when he’s confused like this.

“No, that doesn’t seem right. We hooked up in early November,” Even says, and his voice is so rough and low that Isak just wants to kiss him from how used it sounds.

Isak slides down to the side of Even so he can look at him, but he keeps his leg and part of his upper body on Even, he can’t let go of him just yet.

“I saw you for the first time at Petter’s party, where I bumped into you in the queue to the toilet,” Isak says and doesn’t fight the urge to stroke Even’s back softly with his hand.

Even’s eyes flit over his face, he looks so deliciously confused that Isak can’t help but smile even more.

“You remember that?” Even asks incredulously, like it just doesn’t register with him.

It was only a few seconds, Isak doesn’t blame him. He shouldn’t have remembered, but Isak saw something in Even in those few seconds, enough that he could remember seeing him afterwards. Enough that he recognized him at the next party when Even approached him.

“Yeah. I don’t think I could ever forget,” Isak whispers and leans in closer to Even, so close they almost can’t look at each other anymore, creating the illusion they’re the only two people in the world.

“I noticed you right away. And I never stopped noticing you,” Isak whispers and feels like he’s saying too much, admitting too much.

But this is Even. He is safe here, with him. He truly feels like there’s nothing that he can’t say.

Even has this look on his face, like he can’t believe what Isak is telling him. Can’t process the words coming out of Isak’s mouth. But Isak doesn’t let that stop him, he needs to say this now, or he’ll lose his nerve. And he has a feeling that this is something they both need to say and hear, respectively.

“I love you, Even,” Isak says.

His voice sounds raw, but there’s a confidence to it that he feels in every cell of his body. Like this is the absolute truth, because he’s never said anything that he’s been more sure of in his life before.

And Even must hear that, must sense it on him, because his eyes turn wet and he shuffles closer to Isak, close enough that their foreheads touch gently, before he tilts his chin so that they’re kissing.

It’s a new kind of kiss.

It’s domestic and sure and true and it makes Isak’s insides clench and steals the breath from his lungs. He’s never been kissed like this before, he’s never felt anything like this before.

When Even pulls back enough that he can whisper, “I love you too,” against his lips, Isak’s insides explode with happiness, and it’s so much it feels like he might die from it.

He closes the last centimetres between them by pulling Even in and kisses him like he’ll never be able to kiss anybody else for the rest of his life.

This is his home. This is his life now.

 

 

 


	2. A monster about to come alive again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one was really hard to write, but thanks to my girls on tumblr who listened to me ramble, I got through it in one piece!! (you all know who you are... <3)
> 
> So without further ado, here's the next chapter of this saga and I hope you all enjoy it! :) (come shout at me in the comments section when you're done, I won't mind... ;))

Isak wakes up slowly to the sound of the alarm blaring.

At first, he’s just annoyed about it and turns over, ready to go back to sleep. It’s always Even who’s the responsible one and turns it off to get up. But the alarm keeps blaring and Isak is forced to open his eyes.

He turns his head, looking to see if Even is there in the bed with him, but he only finds a lump under the covers next to him. Even is completely hidden by the duvet.

This doesn’t happen often.

It’s rare enough that Isak still hasn’t learned how to deal with it exactly. But sometimes Even gets these dips as he calls it. He says he doesn’t like to call them lows, that it’s more like dips where his mood sours for a short time. Almost like his brain turns on him, and Isak knows by now just how much Even hates that.

Isak reaches over Even and turns off the alarm, and the only acknowledgement he gets for his efforts is a tired grunt from somewhere under the duvet.

Isak smiles at that. Thinks that Even is cute like this. Like a bear that buries himself in a cave for the winter.

He scoots over on the bed so he’s right next to Even, so he’s touching him with his legs and his arms and he pulls the duvet down enough that Even’s head pops out.

“Good morning, baby,” Isak whispers and just barely notices Even’s eyelids flutter.

That’s okay. He doesn’t expect a greeting back, will take anything that Even is ready to give him when he’s like this.

So far Even’s been able to snap out of it by himself, and the longest these dips have lasted was a couple of days. So Isak isn’t worried so far, but he has Even’s mom’s number in his phone just in case.

Although Even’s let him deal with his mental care more now, has told him about the check-list and all the other things he does that makes him somewhat stable, Isak still leans on Even’s mom for support.

In many ways Even’s been such a blessing for him. He’s provided him with a safe place and a family and a sense of belonging that he’s been missing for a long, long time.

By entrusting Isak with helping him, Isak has felt new parts of him opening up. Isak’s been surprised to learn that he likes taking care of Even. He likes to be able to share his problems and be the one to decide that enough is enough.

Although it’s a terrible thought to have, sometimes Isak is almost glad for Even’s bipolar disorder as it kind of makes them more equal. For once in his life, he’s with someone who needs him just as much as he needs them. And there’s such a sense of rightness in that that Isak’s just never experienced before.

So he just kisses Even gently on the forehead and whispers at him, “I’m going to make you some tea, okay?”

He doesn’t really expect an answer back, and he doesn’t get one.

Even’s eyelids barely flutter, like he’s lost to the world, in a completely different place with no room for Isak’s words.

But Isak gets up anyway, quietly dresses himself and goes to the kitchen to make himself breakfast and to make some tea for Even.

Although it’s only happened a few times now, it’s happened enough that Isak knows to just let Even sleep. He’ll sleep throughout the day, sometimes days, and hopefully when he wakes up he’ll be feeling better.

Better, but not well, not quite himself. The dips always take Even some time to let go of completely, turning him a little bit more quiet and a little bit more needy, even if he doesn’t know how to ask for it.

But Isak has learned that Even needs it, and he gives gladly.

As the water for the tea is starting to boil, Isak wonders if he should text the guys and tell them that they’ll have to postpone meeting Even. He’s not sure if Even will be up for it tomorrow, and whether it’s even fair to expect him to meet Isak’s friends when he’s not on top.

Isak has been pretty open with his friends about Even and his bipolar, and he knows that Magnus’ mom is bipolar as well so he’s pretty sure that they’ll understand. Or Magnus will make them understand if nothing else.

But he decides to hold it off, to just wait for now. If Even snaps out of it soon, maybe he can decide for himself. Isak hates making these kinds of decisions for Even, he doesn’t want to act like he knows better.

He has to trust Even to know what he’s feeling, and to say when he’s not up to something.

So he leaves a cup of tea on the bedside table on Even’s side, eats his breakfast and, before he leaves for class, he kisses Even gently on the forehead, pulls back and looks at him for a few long seconds, just takes him in like this, and then he leaves.

\--||--

It’s a happy surprise that Even’s out of bed when he gets home. He’s in sweats and his hair is greasy and his eyes are dull, but it’s a good sign that he’s up and Isak can’t help but beam at him when he sees him sitting on the couch in the living room.

“Hi, babe,” he says as he sits down next to Even and he gets a small smile in return before Even nuzzles into him.

Even has this way of making himself smaller that Isak will never understand.

He accepts it, but it still baffles him every time he experiences it. How someone as grand as Even can hunch in on himself in such a way that he almost takes up no room in the world, like he doesn’t deserve to. And that’s what makes Isak’s insides clench the most. He knows that Even’s head is not a fun place to be when he’s like this, that he somehow convinces himself that the world is better off without him in it, and that just always blows Isak’s mind.

How anybody, even Even, could ever believe that the world would be a better place without him. Isak will never understand it. But he accepts that that’s how Even feels.

And he’s simply there to hold his hand through it, and shower him with affection and touch him as much as possible. Those things seem to pull Even even quicker out of the dips, and Isak loves feeling useful like that.

They stay in front of the television the rest of the day, Even’s head in Isak’s lap, Isak’s hand in Even’s hair gently combing through the softness there.

They only break for a small dinner and for the bathroom.

And even though the circumstances could be better, Isak is always happy to spend time with Even. This night is no different.

\--||--

Friday morning Isak wakes up to the same alarm. But this time it’s shut off before he can react to it. He turns over, though, to face Even and when he opens his eyes, it’s to Even looking back at him.

He has a small smile on his face as he’s looking at Isak and Isak can’t help how happy that small smile makes him.

“Good morning,” Even says in the roughest of voices, but just to hear him speak makes Isak gut clench and he scoots close to Even to kiss him.

He mumbles something resembling a _good morning_ back at Even, it’s still too early for him to say anything close to coherent.

But that just seems to make Even’s smile bigger and Isak knows that his inability to speak in the morning is, strangely enough, one of the things that Even finds endearing about him.

Even pulls him in close, kisses him quickly and then buries his head in Isak’s shoulder. And Isak just wraps his arms around him, loving that Even asks for his affection so freely. That he wants it like he does.

“What are your plans for today?” Isak asks, voice muffled by Even’s hair.

Even groans under him and buries even deeper into Isak, making it clear that he’s not quite ready to face the world just yet.

“Should I cancel our plans with the boys tonight?”

Even actually pulls away from him at that, just far enough that he can look Isak in the eye. It’s like he’s looking for signs of Isak being disappointed, but Isak isn’t. He’s really not. He doesn’t care, as long as Even is alright.

“Could we do it here instead of going out?” Even asks after a long pause, and his voice is still rough.

“Sure. You don’t mind them being here?”

Like Isak would ever deny Even anything.

But he’s hesitant about this, whether it’s a good idea to have them here when this is not Isak’s place. Even’s just meeting them for the first time, he doesn’t want it to be too much for Even.

“Why would I? This is your home too,” Even says and buries back into Isak’s shoulder and it’s like he doesn’t even know what he just said.

Isak is frozen to the spot. His mind is screaming at him, his skin is tightening around him and he can feel that he’s starting to sweat. Everything is complete chaos inside of him. A part of him bursting with happiness that Even feels that way, and the other screaming at him to run away as fast as he can.

Even must feel how rigid he’s become because he pulls away from Isak and puts his hand on his cheek, looks at him in a way that makes Isak feel like they’re the only ones in the world, leaving no room for anything or anybody else.

Even leans in so that his forehead is resting against Isak’s and his thumb is rubbing soothing circles on Isak’s cheek.

“Don’t freak out. You know it’s true,” Even whispers against his lips.

Isak shakes his head and grabs at Even’s wrist. He’s so torn, doesn’t know how to react to this, so fucking tired of himself at how he freezes every time Even pushes them along. But he doesn’t know how to change it, is so completely overwhelmed every time Even does.

But he wants this.

He can’t imagine not being a part of this, and this place really is starting to feel like his. Like theirs. Although he’s almost afraid to admit it to himself.

He’s had a key for a while, and Even giving him that had felt so big and like so much that Isak had wanted to give it back immediately. But he had resisted that impulsion, had held on to it until it felt right on his keychain with his other keys.

Until he’d stopped looking at it strangely every time he saw it.

“Even…” he says like he actually _has_ something to say, even though he knows that there’s not going to be a continuation to that.

He’s completely lost for words, completely overtaken by this mess of emotions inside of him that he just can’t find a way to convey to Even what’s going on.

But Even seems to know, tilts his head so he can kiss Isak, takes charge of Isak’s insecurities by laying on top of Isak and kissing him with a certainty and with so much love that Isak is powerless against it.

He lets himself relax into it, starts kissing back slowly and puts his arms around him.

The kisses stay calm and lazy for a while, just the two of them absorbing love and closeness from each other. And these types of kisses are among Isak’s favourite. He’s never had them with anybody else.

Somehow it’s like the staleness of their breaths and the stiffness in their bodies from just waking up just makes it better. It makes it more real for Isak, how comfortable he is with Even that he doesn’t even care about any of that. He just gives into it, melts under Even, lets Even control the pace and the force of the kisses.  

Isak’s dick is starting to take notice. He’s slowly chubbing up, can feel heat slowly pool in his stomach, but he doesn’t pay too much attention to it.

He’s honestly not sure how much Even is capable of right now, if he even wants it to turn sexual, so he tries to stop his hips from grinding up into Even, tries to shift his hips enough that Even won’t have to deal with his erection.

Even must take that shift of position as some kind of invitation, because he deepens the kiss, coaxes Isak’s mouth open with his tongue, and makes a place for himself between Isak’s thighs.

Isak spreads them happily, hitches his legs high on Even’s hips, making room for Even to settle on top of him.

He loves Even like this. He loves how he takes charge and trusts Isak enough to do these types of things without pushing too far.

They’ve been slowly going further and further every time this happens, every time Isak is in a place where he’s okay with it.

Ever since that morning, that morning where Even was pre-manic and Isak couldn’t figure out how to make his body want what Even wanted, they’ve been going slow. Like glacially slow.

Isak is so annoyed with it, it’s way too slow in his opinion, there’s no reason to treat him like he’s made of glass. He’s survived much harder things than getting fucked by his boyfriend.

But on the other hand, Isak is so, so grateful for Even’s approach to this. He doesn’t ask what’s going on, doesn’t want answers that Isak isn’t ready to give, but he gives Isak time to do it at a pace that makes sure that Isak is comfortable with every new step they take.

And Isak wants it. He wants Even inside of him so badly, he wants to feel that connection with him.

His mind is yelling at him to just do it, to _go, go, go_ , but Isak’s body is moving at a completely different pace. He hates it, hates feeling so disconnected with himself. He needs his body to catch up, needs it to understand that Even will never hurt him, just like his mind does. And they’re slowly, but surely doing just that.

Even starts to grind his erection down into Isak’s, careful to keep his upper body away from Isak, careful that Isak doesn’t feel pinned down.

Isak can feel how Even’s arms are shaking from the strain of holding himself up like that, so he tightens his thighs around Even and turns them over. He knows that Even must be exhausted after the day he had yesterday, and he doesn’t want to make it worse for him.

Once they’re settled in the new position he rolls his hips and Even grabs onto his ass and guides him into grinding on top of him.

It feels so good to have their erections sliding against each other like this and Isak can’t help but moan into Even’s mouth, effectively breaking the kiss. Even doesn’t seem to mind, makes his own kind of sound that makes Isak’s dick twitch and grind down onto Even harder.

Even starts pushing at Isak’s t-shirt, making it obvious that Isak should take it off, so he leans up to do so, and gets off Even to wriggle out of his briefs while he’s at is.

He needs to feel Even’s skin against his, needs to feel how warm and _real_ he is.

He helps Even get rid of his clothes as well in a very efficient manner, and when they’re both naked he straddles Even’s hips again, settling there like he belongs there.

Isak puts both hands on Even’s chest, using them to keep his weight up. He knows what he wants to do, he knows how he wants Even. But he stops there, out of breath, probably flushed red everywhere by now. He still takes the time to look down at Even and admire his luck.

He’s still so amazed that this is his. He can’t believe it. He leans in and kisses Even, and it’s not as frantic and sloppy as it should be, as he’s feeling.

It’s loving, it’s him trying to convey to Even how fortunate he feels that he gets to have him in his life like this. And Even must sense it, he makes a whimpering noise that makes Isak stay there, and Even puts his large hands on his waist.

Isak wants to continue kissing Even like that, wants to keep showing him how much he means to him with his lips and his tongue, but Even uses his grip on Isak’s waist to push their dicks together, making a jolt of electricity run through Isak’s dick that spreads out to his groin, making him pant and moan and that’s it for his self-restraint.

He starts grinding his dick into Even, slides forward a bit so that Even’s dick thrusts into his perineum and his balls and it feels so good that Isak starts to sweat from it.

“Fuck, Isak!” Even moans against his lips and Isak wants to eat up every word, every sound that pours over his lips.

But he knows he wants more. He’s not quite ready for the real deal yet, but he wants to push himself a bit, wants to see how far he can go.

So he reaches for the lube on the bedside table and takes Even’s hand.

He kisses the tips of Even’s fingers, one by one, gentle pecks full of affection, and when he gets to the forefinger he slowly pushes it into his mouth, massages it with his tongue and his lips.

Even groans under him and tightens his grip on Isak’s hip. His eyes are completely focused on where his finger disappears into Isak’s mouth and Isak makes a show of it. Knows that Even likes how his lips look like this, and he can’t take his own eyes off Even.

He’s such a sight like this, flushed, full puffy lips, slightly open mouth. Isak wants to eat him up, wants to make him feel so good he’ll never want anything else.

So he releases Even’s finger with a wet sound and pops the cap of the lube. He folds Even’s fingers in so he only has the fore- and middle finger out and while holding on to Even’s wrist he pours lube over them.

He doesn’t look away from Even as he closes the cap again and throws it somewhere on the bed and, slowly, very slowly, starts directing Even’s hand where he wants it the most.

He gets up on his knees to make room for Even and he still doesn’t look away from Even’s piercing eyes as he finally gets Even’s fingers where he wants them.

Even holds his hand rigidly still, lets Isak direct all movement of it through his wrist and Isak starts rubbing Even’s fingers gently against his rim.

It feels good like this, it feels safe. So he lets go of Even’s wrist with a small squeeze, letting him know that he’s good with Even taking over now.

And Even does.       

He starts out slowly, circling Isak’s rim, teasing it with the tip of his fingers until Isak is shaking from want.

He doesn’t have to say anything, his every move is being catalogued by Even who never takes his eyes off him. Having Even’s eyes on him like this always feels good, feels like Even’s taking care of him and not just looking at him for his own enjoyment.

It makes Isak want to go faster, and just as he opens his mouth to ask for a finger, Even delivers.

He pushes it in to the first knuckle and it’s easy and feels so, so good that Isak’s dick jumps and he has to close his eyes for a few seconds.

“Alright?” Even asks with a rough voice and Isak just nods and bites his lip. Fuck yeah it’s good.

Even slides the finger in the rest of the way and only pushes it in a couple of more times before Isak is dying for more.

“Come on, Even, one more,” Isak breathes and opens his eyes as Even swears under his breath.

Even is looking at where his hand is working between Isak’s legs, is clearly getting off at the sight. He adds another, doesn’t stop at the first knuckle this time, just slides it right in and it punches the breath out of Isak’s lungs.

It feels just right, exactly how Isak hoped it would feel.

He starts to experimentally roll his hips, pretends that Even’s fingers are Even fucking him and his dick jumps at that thought. He looks down and Even’s dick is leaking against his stomach, looking so inviting and neglected that Isak can’t stand it.

While Even’s fingers are lighting up his nerves all over his body, are making his toes curl and his thighs tremble, he puts his hand around Even’s dick and starts stroking.

Even groans in surprise, apparently so focused on his fingers inside of Isak that he’s forgotten about his own pleasure.

Isak starts lifting himself up a bit on his thighs and slams down on Even’s fingers a bit rougher than he planned and he almost chokes at how good that feels.

The movement makes Even’s fingers brush against his prostate and he immediately flushes as pleasure rushes to his groin and out over his skin.  

“Fuck!” Isak moans and does it again.

And then again, enjoying how good Even’s fingers feel inside of him, how they push him closer and closer to the edge, and before he knows it he’s chasing his own orgasm, riding Even’s fingers with abandon, stroking Even’s dick to the same rhythm as his movements.

His eyes are closed, but he forces them open, he needs to see how affected Even is by this, if he’s there with him.

And he clearly is, he’s panting and sweating and clenching his teeth.

Isak can see a bead of sweat running down his forehead, down his temple, and Isak desperately wants to lean in and lick it off. But he’s found such a good angle like this, and he’s rushing towards the finish line so he doesn’t want to move from this spot.

He’s moaning and he can feel sweat run down his neck and curling the hair at his nape and everything is so hot.

He digs his fingers into Even’s chest, trying to tether himself and stay in this moment the best he can.

Even must see it on him, must see how his eyes are stuck on his sweaty skin, because he sits up slowly, and Isak is impatient for him to get close enough that he can taste him.

But to his surprise Even doesn’t stop, just keeps moving forward until he’s pushing at Isak and his lips find Isak’s as he’s being pushed onto his back.

Even’s fingers are still inside of him, still moving over his spot in a way that makes stars burst behind his eyelids and like this Even can move more freely.

He’s hovering over Isak, just far enough away that Isak doesn’t feel pinned down, and he’s fucking Isak with his fingers hard and fast.

Isak is so turned on by it that he almost swallows his tongue. He tightens his hand around Even and Even whines, closes his eyes and throws his head back.

Isak spreads his thighs as far as he can, makes it easy for Even to move between his legs.

The hand that’s not on Even’s dick is looking for purchase on Even’s shoulder, neck, back, always moving, never settling. He wants it all, he wants everything Even gives him and Even just keeps fucking him with his fingers through it all.

Isak is almost there, can feel it in the tingling of his skin, how the blood is rushing in his body, how fast his heart is beating. His toes are curled so hard that he’s not sure they’ll ever be straight again and he’s getting loud. Sounds are pouring out of him that are making his throat sore, but he doesn’t care.

The pleasure is so much, just right, just pushing and pushing and making the coil inside of him tighten.

“Fuck, Isak. Are you going to come like this? On just my fingers?” Even asks and his voice is full of awe and his tone is so gone that Isak whimpers at it.

He spreads his legs more, moves his hips in time with Even’s fingers, making Even rub against his prostate more intensely and his hand leaves Even’s back and disappears into his own hair.

His body is getting lost in it, he’s swimming in a sea of ecstasy, letting himself get lost, letting himself get enveloped in the pleasure that Even is giving him.

He can feel his legs trembling, knows he’s real close, if only Even would just go faster, go harder, but he doesn’t have it in him to ask. He’s not sure he could get his mouth working properly to be able to ask right now, so he moves his hips faster, pulls at his hair, wails out his desperation.

As if far away he can feel Even shuffle between his legs, can hear him swear under his breath and as if he could read Isak’s mind he starts moving his fingers faster and harder.

And Isak is sure that he must be using the last of his strength, he’s been at it for a while, his hand and wrist must be hurting by now, but Isak doesn’t care, he fucking doesn’t care, he just wants this to continue forever.

His dick is leaking on his stomach, steady strings of precum pooling there. He knows his hand on Even’s dick is useless now, he’s too lost in his own pleasure to really be able to give Even anything back, but Even doesn’t seem to mind.

He’s so close, so, so close, he knows that he’ll come like this, completely untouched, just on Even’s fingers.

He wants to give Even this, wants to show him how good it feels to make someone come like this, so he focuses on his dick and ass, focuses on how his body is tightening from it, is just about ready to let go and give in to it. He knows it’s coming and he’s not fighting it, he’s welcoming it, it’s just there, almost his for the taking.

Even somehow has the strength to lean down and put his lips on Isak’s nipple, his fingers slamming into his prostate one more time and that’s enough. Isak feels himself falling, lets go completely so he can give himself over to it.

The fire in his groin explodes throughout the rest of his body, fills every part of him, streams out through his mouth through sound and his dick as cum.

He can feel it hit his chin from the force of his orgasm but he doesn’t stop, just keeps coming, keeps releasing rope after rope of cum on his chest and stomach.

Even’s fingers are still rubbing inside of him, but he’s slowing down, making sure it won’t get to be too much for Isak.

Isak feels like he’s almost flying out of his body, like it’s not enough to contain him, and this bliss is everything. He lives for it. He loves, loves that it was Even who gave it to him, who took care of him like this, and it just adds to the orgasm, makes it one of the best of his life.

When he’s done he’s left a mess. But he’s smiling, giggling, high on endorphins and he feels better than he has in a long, long time.

He opens his eyes to Even hovering over him, smiling back at him, but it’s a tight smile. And without any pause Isak tightens his grip on Even’s dick and strokes him off fast and efficient.

It doesn’t take long for Even to come, just a few strokes and he’s convulsing through his own orgasm, adding to the mess on Isak’s chest. He leans down to pant against Isak’s lips and Isak can’t help it, he purses his lips so they meet Even’s and he makes the kiss sweet and slow, still feeling high on this feeling.

Even kisses back and smiles into it, before he leans back and looks at Isak’s chest and stomach. Isak knows what he’s thinking, he doesn’t mind it, doesn’t quite like it as much as Even, but he definitely doesn’t mind it.

“Go ahead,” Isak says and he almost doesn’t recognize his own voice.

Even looks at him in surprise, like he’s not sure that he should want this, even though Isak has given him permission.

But then he nods and smiles at Isak and he hesitantly slides his fingers through the cum there and starts gently rubbing it into Isak’s skin.

Isak hums at the feeling, there’s something about Even wanting to mark him like that that makes his insides settle, so he just lies there, lets Even do his thing, lets him rub it into him until it dries up enough that Even has to stop.

He ends it with putting his fingers in his mouth, moans at the taste and Isak’s dick twitches at that sight. Even is so goddamn beautiful and he’s never more pretty than when he does something dirty. Isak loves it.

He pulls Even down on top of him, puts his arms and legs around him and kisses him deeply. Almost like he wants to taste how they taste together inside Even’s mouth.

It’s a good taste, so he chases it with his tongue and Even moans at that.

“Okay, I need to tell you more obvious truths if this is your reaction to it,” Even says between kisses and Isak can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of him.

It still amazes him. How well they just fit together. Sometimes, when it’s like this, it feels like Even was made just for him.

\--||--

The boys show up later and they fill Even’s apartment with energy and laughter.

They order pizza and Isak notices that Even eats a couple of slices, and he even plays a few rounds of FIFA with them, and he fits.

It’s effortless.

Although Even’s not at his best, although he’s not quite as charming as he normally is, he fits.

It’s obvious that the guys like him, and Isak is just on the verge of erupting. He’s stuck with a stupid smile on his face, it’s content and fond, and he’s never quite felt like this. He enjoys spending time with his old friends, which are turning into just friends again, and seeing Even interact with them makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

He never strays far from Even, is always within reach. He’s constantly touching, constantly letting him know that he’s there. Wants to show him that he’s not embarrassed about him, wants to show him off to the guys.        

It’s a good night. It’s calm and easy, and just what the both of them needed. And Isak feels more settled than he has in a long while. For the first time, he actually allows himself to just enjoy it, to be in the moment and not think about all the bad things that are surely lining up for them.

He’s even starting to think that maybe, just maybe, it’s okay for things to be easy. That it doesn’t have to mean that things will get hard.

\--||--

Isak is standing on the street outside his dad’s apartment.

He’s been standing there for a while now, he tells himself that he’s gathering strength, but in reality he’s too chickenshit to go in. He’s sweating and breathing harder and he really hates this. It’s just his goddamn dad. He’s seen him a million times already, why should this time be so different?

Except it is. He hasn’t actually seen his dad in two years. Hasn’t really spoken to him in more than a year, except for very recently.

It feels strange standing here, waiting to see the man who’s supposed to be his dad. And the real problem is that even though Isak has accepted that his dad will never be a dad to him, he’s still a kid looking for his approval.

The way his dad has been acting recently makes him think that that approval might be within reach. But he’s been burned so many times. He’s in such a good place right now.

He’s so fucking worried that his dad will only give his approval conditionally, and how that might break him. He’s basically afraid to hope for change. Although he knows that he desperately needs it.

He’s kept this meeting a secret, afraid to let Even know in case it goes bad. There’s still so much of his background that Even doesn’t know, and that Isak is honestly afraid of telling Even. He’s so afraid of losing Even now. Has gotten too attached, and he doesn’t want Even to find out what a horrible human being Isak is.

In the end it’s that thought that spurs him on, makes him push the button for the intercom.

Isak’s dad buzzes him right up, and Isak hopes with every fibre of his being that his dad hasn’t seen him pacing in front of his door for a while.

What a way to start this conversation.

Their greeting is stilted and awkward. Isak puts out his hand at the same time as his dad goes for a hug and they end up doing some weird sort of shuffle where they kind of do both. It’s weird and it’s not helping Isak’s nerves one bit. Thankfully, it’s clear that Isak’s dad is just as nervous as Isak. Almost more if Isak would have to guess.

It’s funny seeing him again. He’s definitely gotten older in just the two years that’s passed, but in a way he also looks healthier. He’s lost some weight and he has a glow about him that Isak envies right away. And it kind of makes him angry too. Angry that he looks so well when Isak is still struggling.

Isak takes after his dad. He hates it. He hates how much of himself he can see in him, in his mannerisms. He wishes, as he has many times, that it’s possible to change such things about himself.

A few moments later Isak is sitting on a very uncomfortable couch with a cup of coffee in his hands that he’s clinging to like his life depends on it. And it’s so goddamn awkward that Isak is this close to just saying fuck it and leave.

His dad is looking at him, keeps staring like he’s in total awe of what he sees and Isak can’t deal with it. How is that supposed to make him feel? Like his dad has any shares in where Isak is in his life.

“I’m sorry for staring, you just look so good, Isak,” his dad says while he leans forward in his chair on the other side of the coffee table between them, almost like he wants to be closer to Isak.

Isak doesn’t say anything back, he fights the eyeroll threatening to happen, though. Wants to give his dad an honest chance this time.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re here, that you’re giving me a chance,” he continues.

Isak’s head snaps up at that.

“I’m not here to give you a chance. I’m here to give you a chance to _explain_. I want to know how you could possibly justify just leaving….” Isak stops himself, but his tone of voice is angry and his dad visibly recoils at how angry Isak is.

He looks down at his hands, looks so devastated that Isak’s mouth immediately goes dry and he has to take a sip of his coffee.

“Okay,” his dad says and takes a deep breath. “You never did like the small-talk. Always cutting to the chase.”

He doesn’t sound angry, sounds almost proud, and Isak clenches his fists around the small coffee cup in his hands. It’s the only thing tethering his anger, he’s this close to exploding, but he doesn’t want to. He really doesn’t want to. If this time is going to be any different he needs to let his dad speak.

“I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve spent the last year in therapy, trying to deal with what happened between us all,” he starts.

Isak didn’t know this and it makes him want to leave even more.

He braces for the inevitable dissection of his bad patterns and habits and the lectures that are sure to come about how he’s not living his life the right way.

Bullshit.

“And most of it has been spent dealing with how I failed you.”

Isak looks up at his dad in surprise, mouth agape. No words in his mind from the surprise.

“I have so many things I want to tell you, Isak. But first and foremost, I have to tell you that I really want to be a part of your life again,” his dad says and takes a breath to continue, but before he can Isak interrupts him.

“I don’t know if I can do that,” he says, but it’s on autopilot, it’s an objection he’s made every time his dad has started down this path.

This feels different though.

Especially since his dad nods at him and smiles, like he heard what Isak said and doesn’t argue with it, and Isak wants to throw the coffee cup in his face.

“That’s alright,” he says and really looks like it _is_ alright. “I’m not going to force you. This is completely up to you. I just wanted to tell you, face to face, that I love you.”

Isak’s mouth opens a bit more and his palms are starting to sweat.

His dad continues, like he’s taking advantage of Isak’s inability to speak, like he knows but doesn’t mind.

“And I want to be here for you. I want to be part of your life in any way you’ll have me. I know I fucked up, I know I shouldn’t have left you behind even though you didn’t want to leave with me.”

At that Isak opens his mouth to argue, like he’s done a million times before, but his dad just continues speaking before he can get a word in.

“I should’ve kept trying,” he says and actually has goddamn tears in his eyes.

Isak’s palms are sweating so hard that he almost can’t hold onto the cup anymore, like it’s slipping through his fingers. Or it might be from the way he’s begun to shake, like his body is slowly starting to realise that he needs to react in some way.

His dad shakes his head and sighs, “God, I can’t believe I didn’t. I still can’t believe I left you behind. If you only knew how much I’ve struggled with that.”

He shuffles forward in the chair, putting his elbows on his knees and he looks so earnest that Isak wants to break something. Wants to lash out at him. But he can’t. He’s frozen to the spot, completely helpless but to sit there and listen to his dad speak.

“My only excuse, which is a bad one I know, I really do, is that I was slowly dying there myself. I couldn’t stand being in that house anymore. It was dragging me down with her.”

His dad takes a sip of his own coffee, his hand shaking as well, and Isak notices in a detached sort of way, knows that he should feel something at that observation. But he doesn’t. He just doesn’t.

“I don’t know how much you know about what was going on, Isak, but when I say I was dying I’m not being dramatic. I was. I was taking medicine to fall asleep, medicine to regulate my high blood pressure, medicine for my over-active heart. That house was so stressful for me.”

He looks at Isak now, imploring him to believe him.

“I tried to stay for you, I did, I wanted so badly to do right by you, Isak. I saw you suffering, and I know that it was so much worse for you than it was for me with the way she fixated on you. And I tried to get you to leave with me, I tried and I tried, and you wouldn’t and I tried some more, until I ended up hospitalised with my heart. And I knew I couldn’t go home. I just couldn’t. I haven’t stepped foot in that place again since then.”

He shakes his head at that memory and Isak just keeps sitting there. Doesn’t react, just stays still, letting the words wash over him. He hears them, but he’s not sure he’s _hearing_ them.

“I wish I could say I tried my best being there for you, but I just failed you in every way, didn’t I? I’ve failed you since your mom started getting sick and I’ve kept failing you ever since. I don’t think I wanted to realise how bad she was. How bad her fixation on you was. How hard it must’ve been for you. I stay awake at night wondering how bad it got for you after I left. If she…. If she hurt you.”

Although he doesn’t say that last part as a question it’s clear that it is in the way he looks at Isak. But Isak doesn’t answer. Just keeps staring at him.

“When you texted me to tell me you were moving out, I felt the biggest relief. I tried to call you, to find out if you were okay, but of course you wouldn’t talk to me. Of course. I completely understand. So I gladly payed for your apartment, even if I wanted you to find something in a better area. I found a place for your mom where she can get the help she needs.”

He takes a deep breath and Isak focuses his eyes on a place to the left of his mouth. He’s not really sure what he’s looking at though, he’s not really sure what’s going on anymore.

“I know I have a long way to go. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I love you Isak. I love you so much. And my biggest wish is just to be a part of your life again. Just a part, any part. Any way you’ll let me. And I understand if you don’t feel you can. I understand. I love you and I understand.”

And he smiles at Isak. He fucking smiles at Isak, and leans back in his chair. He’s obviously happy that he got to say what he wanted to say and he’s looking at Isak, as if he’s nervously waiting for his reaction.

But Isak doesn’t have one. He fucking doesn’t know how to react to this. His body is shutting down. His mind is shutting down. He can’t speak, wouldn’t know what would even come out of his mouth if he tried.

He’s stuck. Feels like he’s trying to move fast in molasses, like it’s just not possible for him to fit there.

He looks at his dad. Looks and looks at him. And his dad is starting to look back at him with worry. Must notice the tremors in Isak’s body, must notice how pale he is, how clammy he is from the sweat that’s started to seep out of him.

His dad gets up from the chair, slowly, like he’s not really sure how to deal with this, how to deal with Isak and honestly, neither is Isak.

Isak is chaos. He’s hope, despair, grief, anger, everything. _Everything_.   

It feels like there’s glue on the couch holding him there, making him stay, when all he wants to do is leave.

He wants to leave.

He catches on to that thought, like it’s the only thing he can find truth in in this moment and he clumsily puts down his coffee cup, although he’s not sure he actually puts it on the table, and does. He stands up. Walks on socked feet through the living room, eyes set on the door.

He leaves his dad’s apartment without a word, without responding in the slightest to his dad’s speech. Without his shoes and his jacket. He wanders out into the May weather not feeling the wind or the cold.

Not feeling anything.

His feet decide for him. He doesn’t think about it, just walks. And before long he’s standing in front of an apartment he hasn’t been to in a long time.

And when the door opens it’s like coming home. Like this is where he belongs.

 

 

 

 


	3. Should’ve known I would fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know that this chapter is highly anticipated, sorry(notsorry) for leaving you hanging like that last chapter... ;)
> 
> I just gotta say that mind the tags peeps! If you have some hang-ups, be careful going into this one. 
> 
> I won't keep you hanging any longer, I hope you guys enjoy this second to last chapter! <3

Isak's worked hard on this buzz.

He's trying to remember how exactly he got this high, so blissfully wasted, but he can't remember precisely whether it was two or three joints or if he managed to empty that bottle of vodka he had gotten his hands on.

All he really knows is that he feels so good now.

Although he can still hear that nagging voice in the back if his mind that he's been trying to quiet all night. It's not that loud anymore, though. And he has a feeling that one more swig will kill it.

It doesn't.

He's pretty sure he's sitting on a couch. It feels like a couch, but he's not really conscious enough to _know_.

He’s drowning in the feeling a bit. Lets himself fly away with it, lets his body melt into the couch and closes his eyes. Just for two seconds.

He startles as he hears his name being said really close to him. He reluctantly opens his eyes and when he manages to focus he finds Even squatting in front of him.

He looks concerned, but Isak only barely registers that, is suddenly just so happy that Even is here.

“Hi, baby!!” he says enthusiastically, but the words feel strange in his mouth and it comes out wrong. He’s not sure Even could understand what he just said.

Even strokes his hair away from his face, still doesn’t say anything to him and Isak’s mind is churning.

There was something he was trying to forget, something that Even wasn’t supposed to know. Oh! Even isn’t supposed to be here, isn’t supposed to see him like this.

He sits up a bit in the couch at this revelation.

“Why are you here?” he slurs, but he’s pretty sure that that’s at least audible.

Even frowns at him and stands up. He looks around him and Isak notices that the room is filled with people and Isak’s almost surprised by it. He barely remembers where he is, until his old dealer is standing beside Even and Even focuses his attention on him instead.

Isak misses having his eyes on him immediately.

“He came like that, no shoes or jacket,” his old dealer says and Even looks so angry.

“You sold him something even though you could obviously see he’s not in his right mind?” Even spits at him and Isak wants to pull Even away from him.

“He fucking threw money in my face and begged me until I gave him something,” his old dealer says and looks at Even with contempt.

“I don’t fucking owe him nothing, you understand? He’s an old customer, why the fuck should I care?” he sneers and Even looks like he’s ready to beat him up.

Isak doesn’t want that. He scoots forward on the couch, pulls on Even’s arm and tries to sound convincing as he says, “Even, stop it. It’s not his fault, don’t do this.”

And Even finally looks at him again, but Isak almost wishes that he hadn’t. He looks at Isak in a way that he’s never done before. It makes Isak want to cower, it makes him feel small and stupid.

“We’re leaving,” Even says and starts pulling Isak up from the couch.

As he pulls Isak after him out of the room, Even is staring Isak’s old dealer down, like he’s daring him to say or do something, anything.

But he doesn’t.

He’s smirking at them, watching Isak wobble behind Even and Isak waves stupidly at him as he’s pulled out into the hallway.

Even looks at his socked feet and sighs put-upon as he starts taking off his jacket.

“At least put this on. I didn’t bring spare shoes or another jacket.”

He won’t look at Isak anymore. He’s looking anywhere but.

Isak doesn’t understand.

What’s going on? Why is Even angry with him?

He whines at the way Even keeps pulling at him with a steady grip on his wrist, and it’s just on the verge of being too rough.

“Why are you being mean to me?” Isak asks as they reach the street and his feet get cold right away.

Even doesn’t stop, just keeps pulling him behind him, clearly angry with Isak. Isak just doesn’t understand.

“I don’t want to go with you if you’re going to pull me like this all the way,” Isak says and he can tell he sounds petulant, but fuck it, Even is being stupid right now.

“Just fucking don’t, Isak!” Even spits out over his shoulder at him. “Let’s just get you home, okay?”

But Isak’s not having this. He doesn’t care that they’re on the street and that he has no shoes on. He can’t stand Even being angry with him, and it’s making him angry in turn. He pushes his feet into the pavement, stops moving and pulls back.

“I don’t want to go home with you when you’re like this,” Isak says in a voice way too loud for how close they’re standing.

But it makes Even stop. He takes a deep breath and turns around to look at Isak. He’s standing too close in a way that feels almost threatening and he’s looking down at him.

“Do you know what I fucking went through tonight to find you?” he says in a controlled voice, like he’s forcing it to remain low.

Isak crosses his arms in front of him, puts his chin up and looks at Even defiantly.

“I’ve been so fucking worried about you. You don’t show up at home, you don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t answer any of my calls and texts _to you_. I called Jonas, but he didn’t know either. I even fucking called some of your old friends, and I can’t even _begin_ to tell you how fun those conversations were.”

Isak cringes at that. Okay. Maybe Even has a reason to get angry with him after all.

“Finally fucking Anders told me you might be at your old drug dealer’s house. That you used to go there to disappear for a bit. And I can’t believe I found you here. I just…. What the fuck, Isak?”

His voice has stayed low the entire time he’s been talking, but it’s still so controlled. He looks at Isak, and Isak doesn’t want him to look at him like that.

“I’m sorry,” Isak whispers and this time it’s him who can’t meet Even’s eyes.

“What’s going on?”

Even’s tone of voice means business.

Isak can’t look at him, but he knows that he has to give him something. He’s slowly becoming aware of his surroundings, how they’re just standing there in the street with people looking at them as they pass them, how he has no shoes on. How he’s too fucking wasted for this.

“I can’t…”

Isak is shaking his head. There’s a reason he’s wasted, he’s trying to forget. And he has been, until now. Until Even started demanding answers of him and he knows that he promised to always answer, but he doesn’t know how to tell him this.

Isak’s still numb.

He stares at Even for a long time, trying to come up with answers. Even must notice how he’s searching for something to say, because as the seconds tick by with the silence stretching between them he visibly deflates. He reaches for Isak gently, and just as his hand touches Isak’s, Isak’s mouth starts to work.

He says the first thing that comes to mind. The only thing that comes to mind.

“He says he loves me.”

As the words leave him he starts to shake again and he gets nauseous. He looks at Even wide-eyed, wants to reach out and take the words back into his mouth. Wants to hide them away forever and pretend they don’t exist.

But Even frowns at him and takes a little step closer to Isak.

“Who told you that?” he asks and he sounds so confused, but Isak just doesn’t know how to explain.

It hurts so much. Everything hurts. How can he let Even know? He knows that it won’t matter how patient Even is, or how much he claims to love him. This. This is inexcusable.

All the old guilt and old hesitations rise in him, make his stomach churn and make him dizzy. He puts a hand to his mouth, trying to hold the inevitable in, trying to keep anymore from coming out, but in the end he can’t fight it.

He turns around and leans into the wall of the house he’s standing next to and he starts to retch.

He empties his stomach on the street in a painful, violent manner. He throws up until there’s nothing left and then he throws up some more.

Tears are streaming down his face and he’s shaking and he feels so fucking lost. So alone. There’s only that sentence on his mind, constantly flashing before his eyes in bright colors.

As soon as he catches his breath, teeth clattering from the cold, he stutters it out again. Tests it in his mouth, on his tongue and lips. Sees if it feels more true this time.

“He says he loves me.”

He turns his head to look at Even, to see if the words make more sense to Even than they do to him, but Even looks just as lost, if not more.

But he doesn’t look angry anymore at least. He puts his hands on Isak, pats him in a strange way, like he’s not really sure what to do with Isak like this, and then pulls him into his arms.

He buries his head in Isak’s hair and Isak closes his eyes at the feeling of being held like that. Although he knows that he doesn’t deserve it. That he should probably push Even away, so he can get used to the feeling of being alone again.

But he can’t stand the thought. Just thinking about not having Even makes him shake harder, makes him lose control.

He can’t, he can’t be alone again.

As he buries his head in Even’s shoulder and breathes him in, he knows that he will have to tell Even this, this dark secret filled with shame and guilt that he’s buried so deep inside of him that Isak hasn’t even examined it.

He has to tell Even. And then Even will have to decide. Isak can’t not try. Although he’s pretty sure that once Even knows he will never want to look at Isak again. But he has to try.

As long as there’s even the smallest of chances that Even will decide to be with him after all, then he has to try.

\--||--

Isak is done putting up a fight.

They go to Even’s place and Isak just lets Even lead him there. He’s quiet now, is mulling over how to breach the subject, how to fucking tell Even what he needs to tell him.

He’s afraid that Even is still angry with him for getting wasted, and he’s already sobering up enough that he’s starting to feel so goddamn disappointed in himself for doing this. For just falling back into his old habits like that.

He didn’t even pause. Didn’t even stop to think about what he was doing. He just did what he’s always done. He went and got himself good and numb, trying to get himself to stop thinking so loudly.

Even shuffles them inside and Isak stands there in the hallway, looking at Even taking off his shoes, and he’s shaking with cold and with so many feelings. He’s not sure he has room inside of him for all of them. So he starts with the easy one.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers and his throat tightens around the words.

Even looks at him, surprised, and stops his movements to stare at Isak. Encouraged by his attention, Isak takes a step closer to Even and tries to ignore the way he can feel his eyes getting wetter.

“I’m so fucking sorry that I got wasted like that.”

Isak hates how his voice is wobbling, it’s much too early for him to start feeling like he’s about to cry, but it makes Even take a step towards him himself, still one shoe on and puts his hand on Isak’s cheek.

“Isak. I’m angry because you disappeared on me and scared me half to death, not because of this.”

Isak can’t believe him, but Even’s not in the habit of lying. That’s more Isak’s style, so Isak nods at him, like he understands, although he really doesn’t.

“I’m still fucking sorry for it.”

Even nods and then puts his arms around Isak. He takes a deep breath like he’s collecting his thoughts before he start to speak in a low voice.

“It doesn't have to be perfect, Isak. As long as you keep trying.”

He leans back so he can catch Isak’s eye and continues, “The most important thing is that this doesn't stop you from moving forward.”

Isak nods. But he doesn’t understand how Even can just accept this set-back so easily when Isak is so fucking disappointed in himself.

Even releases him so he can take off his shoe and helps Isak take off his jacket, and then he leads Isak into the bathroom. They brush their teeth standing side by side and after Even helps him clean his feet. It’s so domestic and comfortable that Isak’s heart clenches and he almost can’t breathe from it.

He just stares at Even in the mirror, can’t stop looking, so afraid that this might be the last time doing this.

They slowly undress after and go to bed in their briefs.

Isak is careful not to touch Even, and Even lets him, keeps to his side of the bed. Isak is almost sorry for it, but it’s better this way. He won’t be able to tell Even anything if he’s touching him. He needs the detachment in order to be brave enough for this.

It’s quiet between them. Isak can hear Even breathe besides him, clearly still awake, clearly waiting for Isak to start talking, because it’s obvious that Isak is gearing up to it.

He can hear a couple of cars drive by on the street below them, but other than that the room is silent. Like it’s waiting for Isak to start speaking as well.

“I saw my dad tonight,” Isak says, jumping right into it.

He can feel Even turn his head to look at him but Isak keeps staring up at the ceiling. He can’t look at Even while he tells him this.

“It was good. He told me he loves me, that he was sorry for leaving me with my mom. That he wants to be part of my life again. I don’t fucking know why I reacted like this to something that should’ve been a good thing.”

Isak swallows thickly, prays that his voice stays strong for this. He feels raw and his emotions are bubbling on the surface, and he’s not sure what to do about them.

He’s breathing too shallow, he knows it, can feel it working against him, making him out of breath. But if Even wants to hear this, if he really wants to know, he might as well know just how fucking terrible a human being Isak is, know everything. And then he can decide if he still thinks Isak is worth it.

Isak knows he isn’t.

“You know my dad left us,” he starts, and Even nods, and after a short silence Even helps him by saying, “You’ve said it became too much for him.”

Isak nods, it became too much for all of them.

“Things weren’t good between my mother and me, even before that,” he says, keeps licking his lips, hand picking at a loose string on the duvet.

His mind is all over the place and he doesn’t know where to start. Doesn’t know how to explain this to Even in a way so he’ll understand.

“It can’t have been easy living with her if she was undiagnosed with schizophrenia,” Even says, and he sounds like he thinks that was the real problem. Isak shakes his head.

“It wasn’t her. Not really.”

Even makes a sound like he doesn’t really follow and Isak sighs.

“When I’m around her, she gets worse.”

He glances at Even like he needs to see his reaction, but at the same time he can’t stand to see it. There’s just enough light in the room that Isak can see that Even is looking at him, but he can’t really see what his face is doing.

“I can’t really remember a time where she wasn’t… different, but I’m sure there must have been a time like that. Because I _can_ remember thinking that she was changing and not in a good way. It just happened slowly, over time, she just got worse and worse. Dad suggested that she get help for it, but she refused.”

He takes a deep breath to let Even know he isn’t finished yet and fists his hands in the duvet to stop them from shaking.

“When she started getting worse it was focused on me. Always on me. She would spend hours screaming bible verses at me, convinced that I was a sinner that she had to purify. And I would sit there and listen to her, let her wash my mouth with soap, let her scrub my hands raw, until my dad came home and saved me from her.”

He can hear Even gasp beside him, but the words are spilling from his lips like he can’t help it. Like now that he’s opened up to them they fall from him like an avalanche, he can’t stop now.

“And it only got worse at I got older. I can’t sleep now because I spent so much time being afraid to as a child. And it was always the bible verses, always about me being a sinner and how God would never forgive me if I didn’t repent. But I never knew what my sin was. Other than being born.”

And he’s crying now, he can feel the tears stream from his eyes, but he doesn’t stop them. His voice is becoming monotone, like he has no control over it anymore.

“When my dad left I didn’t want to come with him. He begged me, and he stayed for much longer than he should, but I couldn’t just leave her. Not like that. Who would take care of her? She was still my mother no matter what she did to me. She was sick. And I was a sinner, I was. Right after my dad left, I got together with that guy and she was right. I did things that were sinful and that I can never be forgiven for.”

Even reaches for him, but Isak removes his hand from Even’s touch. He can’t stand the affection right now, he just can’t.

“But it got so bad with my dad not there. He kept wanting me to go with him, but I couldn’t. I deserved everything she did to me. I deserved it!”

He’s crying so hard now that he’s not sure that Even can really understand what he’s saying.

Even hesitantly reaches for his hand again, and this time Isak lets him. And Even must take that as a sign, because he rolls to his side and puts his arms around Isak.

Isak doesn’t hug back. Stays where he is, impassive. He can feel Even starting to say something, but he can’t stand to hear the phrases the doctors have given him a million times before. _It’s not your fault, it’s just a sign of your mother’s disease, it has nothing to do with you as such._ So he just continues talking.

“Until one night it got so bad that I had to leave. I couldn’t stay in that house anymore. She was screaming at me about how sinful homosexuality was, how bad I was and she…. She tried to “cure” me in her own way, I guess. She put her hands around my throat and squeezed and I let her. I fucking let her until I panicked when I couldn’t breathe. I hit her to get her off me. I fucking hit her hard enough to make her bleed.”

Isak sobs at that memory. Can still see how his mother had looked sitting on the floor with her hair a mess and blood running down from her nose over her mouth and her chin.

He closes his eyes at the memory, feels himself squeezing tears out from the movement.

His voice is barely a whisper now. Like there’s almost nothing left in him.

“But after that I left. I couldn’t,” he pulls back from Even’s arms to look at him. “I wasn’t strong enough, Even. I wasn’t strong enough for her.”

Even holds him and shushes him and thankfully he doesn’t say any of the shit that Isak’s heard too many times now. The things people say that mean absolutely nothing, like _it will be okay_ or _it wasn’t your fault_. Empty words, because it never fucking does and it always was.

But Even is still here. He’s still holding Isak. And surely that must mean something. But he has to make sure that Even knows, that he really understands.

“Can’t you see, Even? I was the one who made my mom bad, I just hurt the people I love.”

And he means that with every fiber of his being. He’s never been good for anybody.

“That’s complete bullshit,” Even says, surprising Isak completely.

“What?” he asks incredulously, not sure that he actually heard Even right.

“I don’t even know where to start with all this, but that’s just not true. You didn’t make your mom sick, that’s bullshit, and I know how clever you are. I know you’ve looked it up.”

Isak is a bit shaken by this reaction that’s so different from what he’s used to that he ends up saying what’s been eating away at him his entire life.

“But it’s stress-induced,” he says and this. This is the truth that matters, this is the truth that’s had the biggest influence on Isak most of his life.

Even releases him to lean up on his elbow so he can really look at Isak. He sounds annoyed as he starts to speak.

“Okay, I’m not an expert on that disease, but I’m pretty sure that there’s a genetic factor involved in it. And Isak. Let me just tell you right now, something that I know without a shadow of a doubt.”

Isak looks at him, his eyes are so used to the poor light now that he can see how serious Even looks. Even puts his hand on Isak’s cheek and grabs it.

“You are not stressful to be around.”

Isak looks at him, looks and looks, wide-eyed and tongue-tied. He doesn’t know how to react to that. He has practiced responses to most of the other platitudes that people feed him when they learn his mother is sick, but not this.

“You were a kid. Nothing you could’ve done would ever be enough to cause her getting sick. I’m sure if you ask your dad he will say the exact same thing, baby.”

He sighs and puts his forehead against Isak’s, like he’s creating a safe space for them. And the intimacy of it kills Isak.

“I’m so incredibly sorry to hear that she fixated on you like that, I can’t even begin to imagine how fucking horrible that must have been. But even though she did, it still wasn’t because of anything you did.”

He strokes Isak’s cheek and they’re lying so close. Isak can feel silent tears falling, he wouldn’t even know how to stop them if he tried.

“I refuse to believe that, Isak. You’re not stressful to be around, you hear me?”

The thing is, that Isak hears him. Loud and clear.  And he’s so fucking confused about it.

Even doesn’t lie. He knows this. He understands this in every part of his body. But surely he cannot be speaking the truth about this? This is a truth that Isak has carried with him for a very long time. His mind is churning, and his body is vibrating with the feeling of overload, but he listens.

“I will remind you of this every fucking day if I have to,” Even whispers, his voice holding such conviction that Isak knows that he will.

It will never stop baffling him. The way Even just accepts him, accepts all his hard truths. All the shit that he’s been through. How it doesn’t change how he looks at him or how he loves him.

Isak doesn’t understand it. Can’t understand it. He’s lived with the conviction that the things that have happened to him happened because he deserved them for a long, long time .

It’s very strange to be around Even, who seems to know that that isn’t the case at all.

Very strange indeed.

It makes Isak want to tell Even more, to let him in on more of his secrets. So he gives into the compulsion.

He nuzzled into Even’s chest, his favorite spot in the world and whispers, “You know you once asked me why my apartment is so empty?”

He can feel Even nod and he’s encouraged to go on with the way he holds him tight like he is.

“The truth is that I don’t really have that many things. I left the house that night with a backpack with just the bare essentials in it. And I discovered a week later that my mom had burned all my things after I left.”

Even makes a distressed sound at that, but Isak needs to continue or he never will.

“Apparently, she was cleansing my room of sin or evil spirits or whatever, and my dad wasn’t there to stop her, so she just burned it all. There’s nothing left of my childhood.”

Even tightens his grip around him, kisses his forehead and tells him how sorry he is.

And it feels good to tell Even this. It’s a secret that Isak has been holding in for far too long as well. Has tried telling himself that it doesn’t really matter, that he was starting over again, by himself, and that he didn’t need his old crap to remind him of the person he used to be.

But it’s never been convincing, it never settled in him.

He misses his things, he misses the letters he shared with Jonas and the drawings he made as a child. He misses his favorite teddy bear he loved so much that it was barely in one piece anymore.

He knows how Even loves his own things, loves putting them on display to make him feel at home, and Isak loves it as well. Loves all the knick knacks and the memories and the souvenirs scattered around the apartment.

It was one of the first things he noticed about this place, one of the things that made him fall in love with it. He wishes he were able to put some of his own around Even’s place as well to make it feel more like his.

“I can’t even imagine how empty that must make you feel, baby. But I promise you, we’ll make our own memories and fill this place with them,” Even whispers into his hair and Isak can’t help smiling at it.

It never ceases to amaze him how Even always knows what to say to make him feel better. He leans up for a kiss and then settles on Even’s chest.

They stop talking after that.

Even lets Isak cry out his silent tears without asking for more, and Isak has a strong hold on Even, tethering him to him. He can’t let go of him. Wants to live in this bubble with Even forever. He feels safe here. Which is not a feeling that Isak is used to in any way.

He ends up falling asleep like that. And he sleeps better than he has in a long, long time.

\--||--

The next morning Isak wakes up to the biggest hangover he’s had in a long time.

His mind feels like it’s about to explode and his body feels like it’s about to give out. He turns over in bed and immediately winces at the aches and pains he feels everywhere.

He’s confused about it for two seconds. It’s been a while since he woke up like this, dazed and hungover, so he lies still and tries to remember what the fuck happened to him.

And when he does remember it hits him like a freight train, all the guilt and embarrassment comes hurling at him and he wants to bury himself in the duvet and never get up again.

He groans and then turns over, trying to see if his body is even capable of getting out of bed.

As he does, he notices that Even’s side is empty, but he can hear music and noises coming from the kitchen so it doesn’t feel like Even’s absence is something to be concerned about.

He reaches for his phone, which Even has been kind enough to put to charge, and when he turns it on he’s met with a myriad of messages. It’s enough to make him forget about his hangover for a bit.

A lot of them are from Even, and it’s clear to see how he’d become steadily more and more concerned last night. But there’s quite a few from his dad as well, and that means more to him than he expects it to.

There’s also plenty from Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus and overall turning on his phone makes Isak realise how many people he actually means something to these days. Like it’s just not possible for him to go on a bender like it used to.

He used to be able to disappear for days at a time, lost in a haze of weed and vodka, and nobody would mind. Nobody would come looking for him.

That warm fuzzy feeling is soon replaced by guilt as he starts reading through the messages.

He doesn’t read through Even’s, doesn’t really want to know just how scared he’d been, but he starts reading through the boys’ messages.

Reading them makes him realise that he really has them back in his life, seeing just how concerned they were for him. It settles something in him that he didn’t know needed settling, but it makes him realise that they want him to be part of their group again. That they already think of him as part of their group, even.

With that in mind it’s the easiest thing in the world to open the group chat and message them all that he’s fine. That he’s safe with Even and that he’s really sorry that he made them worry.

The responses are immediate, like they were waiting for him to answer, and Isak can’t help but smile. The group chat is flooded in a matter of seconds and Isak sends them a heart and logs out. He’ll deal with that later.

He then opens his dad’s messages. And what he sees there makes his insides ache.

It’s clear that his dad is really confused about what happened last night. Why Isak walked out on him like that. And Isak totally gets that.

His dad nice about it, though. Doesn’t push for answers or explanations. It’s just a continuous stream of _please let me know you’re alright_ in various forms and it makes Isak feel like shit.

He’s such a bad son. It wouldn’t even be possible for him to fuck up more if he tried.

With trembling hands, he pushes the call button and waits with baited breath.

His dad picks up almost immediately, like he too has been waiting for word from him, and he doesn’t say hi or shout at him. He says Isak’s name in a frightened voice, and that almost breaks Isak.

“I’m fine dad. I’m here,” he says in a hurry and he closes his eyes at the relieved sigh that fills his ears.

“Are you alright?” his dad asks and Isak tries really hard to hide the tremor in his voice when he answers that he is.

There’s a pause and Isak spends it looking for the words he wants to say. He hasn’t exactly prepared a speech or anything for this conversation. He just went with his gut and called right away.

He can hear his dad take a breath through the speaker, like he’s about to say something, but before he can Isak interrupts him. He doesn’t even know what he’s going to say before he does.

“I’m sorry.”

And he’s left there feeling stupid with his phone in his hand, has to close his eyes at how overwhelming that feeling is. There’s so many things he could say, so many things he should say, but that wasn’t how he was going to start. But when he hears his dad’s reaction to it, he knows that that was the exact right way to start.

“Oh, Isak. Don’t be. _I’m_ sorry. I didn’t mean to just spring it all on you like that. I was just so excited that I got to see you and talk to you and I said too much.”

Isak puts a hand over his mouth to stop the sob from escaping but it’s a near miss. He tries to breathe through it and he knows that he’s trembling all over, but he’s just so overwhelmed by this.

He has this image in his head of his dad, and he knows, always has in some way, that he’s not being fair to him with that image. He’s always painted him as the one who abandoned them, when in fact he was probably the one who fought the hardest for him.

It all boils down to the fact that Isak believes him. He believes his dad when he tells him that he’s sorry. He believes him when he tells him that he loves him. Hearing his dad say those things makes the hole inside him that much more obvious. But he understands that he has a role to play in this as well. That his dad is trying, really trying, and that Isak will have to try as well.

A noise by the door makes him look up and he’s startled to find Even standing there looking at him. He looks like he’s been standing there for a while.

Isak puts his hand out to him, needs him next to him to be able to get through this the way he wants to, and thankfully Even just goes to him, takes his hand and sits down next to him.

And stays there like that.

“I want you to be part of my life as well.”

He can hear his dad sigh shakingly at that and he knows that he has to be the one to continue.

“I’m not sure how right now, but I want it too, dad.”

It’s a good thing that Even is sitting next to him, grounding him. He still feels like his emotions are ready to fly out of him, feels like his skin is tingling from it, but he knows that this is right. This is the way to move forward.

It’s a heavy feeling to realise that he’s not alone anymore. Not really. Not if he doesn’t want to be. And Isak knows that he will have to choose.

It’s not really a hard choice to make, when it comes down to it.

Not when he has Even to lean into when he’s done talking to his dad. Not when his phone is still blowing up with messages from his friends and he’s just made plans with his dad. Not when he has a home that Even wants to share with him, wants him to call his own.

It’s really not a hard choice at all when he puts it like that.

 

 

 


	4. And breathe and breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So last chapter!!! This is the last of Isak’s POV, it’s so strange that we’re so close to the finishing line!!
> 
> I just have to thank my beta, Mornmeril, who’s helped me so much with this. Thanks babe! <3
> 
> And to all of you who are reading, kudos’ing and commenting, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. It makes me extremely happy with all your support. Just. Thank you! <3
> 
> Without further ado, here’s the last chapter of Part 5, I hope you guys enjoy it! :D

Isak is so fucking nervous it feels like he’s vibrating out of his skin. His dad will be here any time now and he’s pacing with nerves.

“Relax, Isak. It’s going to be fine,” Even says and puts his hands on Isak’s shoulders to stop him from pacing some more.

And Isak tries to listen to him, he really does, but it’s the first time he’s seeing his dad since that day and it’s the first time that his dad has ever really been to his place. Although it’s Even’s place and not his own, but it just felt more right to invite his dad here.

Even’s face when he made that decision was worth everything. The way Even reacts to Isak treating Even’s apartment like his own will never stop making Isak’s heart beat faster.

He really wants to make it work with his dad this time, can sense how urgently the need for a parent is in him. Especially now that Even’s parents are in his life.

It’ll never cease to amaze him how different it feels having parental figures in his life. But still, it doesn’t matter how well Even’s parents have received him, they’re not his parents. And it’s just made it even more obvious how much he misses having a relationship with his own.

He knows that there’s no way he’ll be able to repair his relationship with his mom. He’s tried several times, but it’s only ended up with her getting worse, and he just can’t stand how she fixates on him. But the relationship with his dad is something that can be salvaged, especially now when it seems they’re both ready to do so.

He just really needs this visit to go perfectly.

“You’re sure the lasagne is just as your mom made it?” Isak asks and Even nods patiently, even though he’s answered that question a million times by now.

“It’ll be done in 20 minutes and your dad will be here soon. Don’t worry, babe. It’s going to be fine,” Even smiles at him reassuringly and Isak swallows thickly.

He wishes he wasn’t so worried, wishes he could be the one to reassure Even who’s meeting his dad for the first time.

He lets Even pull him into his arms and tries to take comfort from him.

The buzzer goes off and Isak leaves Even’s arms immediately to let his dad in. Isak thankfully doesn’t have time to start pacing again before his dad knocks on the door, and he can’t help but return his dad’s enormous smile as he opens it.

“Hi, Isak!” he says and pulls Isak in for a big hug before he can even think about how to greet him.

Isak slowly melts into it, but it still takes him a couple of seconds to properly return it. Thankfully his dad is a patient man and waits for him to do so.

When they pull away from each other his dad is smiling even more and he’s spilling over with compliments, showing just how nervous he is as well.

“Wow, this is certainly an upgrade from your old place, this is such a nice neighbourhood. It smells so good in here, what’s cooking?” and he probably would have continued like that if he hadn’t noticed Even standing behind Isak waiting to greet him.

His dad sticks out his hand in a friendly gesture, and says, “You must be Even. I’m so excited to finally meet you.”

Even shakes his hand and introduces himself and he’s smiling just as big as his dad.

Isak watches Even charm his dad and win him over even before he’s gotten his jacket and shoes off. Isak’s insides are swelling with emotions, and it’s just on the verge of what he’s able to handle.

“Let’s get you out of your jacket and shoes,” Isak interrupts them and they both look at him, surprised.

Isak can already see how they’re going to team up on him when everything has calmed down in the future. And he’s quite alright with that.

Later, after they’re done with dinner, which his dad has complimented him for excessively, Even is in the kitchen taking care of the dessert. But Isak is quite sure that he’s just giving them a chance to be alone for a bit.

“I can’t believe you did this all on your own, without any help from me or your mother. That you ended up here despite of us. I’m so proud of you, Isak,” his dad says and Isak can feel his cheeks blush and he has to look away.

He isn’t normally bashful, but seeing his dad’s excitement for all that he’s achieved makes him flush.

“When are your exams? The semester must be over soon, right?” his dad asks, sounding so interested and that just makes Isak feel so happy.

“Yeah, the exams start in a couple of weeks. I have two of them. I’ve just started to revise now,” he says and leans back in his chair.

His dad leans back as well and he looks at him with pride, “I still can’t believe where you got all your smarts from. It’s not from me, that’s for sure.”

Isak can feel his cheeks flush even more. He’s getting impatient for Even to get back in here and interrupt his dad’s blatant approval, because he’s not sure he can take anymore.

His dad must sense that Isak is on the verge of running away from him again, because they stick to safe topics after that, but Isak still feels relieved when Even returns with the cake.

“Who wants coffee?” he asks and winks at Isak and Isak feels like he’s on top of the world.

\--||--

That Saturday they’re on their way to a party for the first time in a really long time.

Isak’s had to reassure Even a million times already that he’ll be fine. He _does_ feel fine actually. He feels on top and like he can handle a party without drinking. They’re meeting up with Even’s friends there and Isak feels bad for always making Even cancel these things for his sake. And also, Isak loves hanging out with Even’s friends.

They’re a bit late. Even had to get home from work and he insisted on showering and eating before they left, so Isak knows they’re probably the last to arrive. But he also knows that nobody expects them there on time anyway. They’re going for the guys, not really for anybody else.

When they get there they’re greeted enthusiastically by the guys and that’s just one of Isak’s favorite things. It’s like being swallowed up by a throng of people in the best of ways and it’s loud and happy.

Isak stays with them, just follows along, content and pleased to just hold Even’s hand and spend time with him. It’s always worth it seeing Even so relaxed and happy around them. He knows how much Even loves Isak interacting with his friends, so of course Isak doesn’t mind. It’s just been a hard week for Isak.

He’s started reading up on his pending exams and with everything going on with his dad and the aftermath of what happened that night, he’s not at his best. But he’s here at least.

It turns out to be a fun night.

Yousef and Elias are keeping him entertained and he’s laughing more than he has in a while. At some point Even leans into him to say that he’s going to the bar to get them more to drink and Isak barely registers it, he’s totally absorbed in the conversation he’s having with them.

He blames it on them for how long it takes him to notice that Even’s not back yet and he only notices because his glass is empty. He’s not sure how long it’s been, but it feels like it’s been a while and that Even should’ve been back by now.

He gets on his toes and tries to see if he can spot Even in the crowd.

Elias leans into him and asks, “Are you looking for Even?”

Isak nods and Elias points to the bar. “He’s just talking to Sonja.”

And he says it so casually, so apropos, like that’s not a big deal. But it kind of is. Isak’s never seen Sonja before and he feels his nerves come rolling in, along with his curiosity.

Isak sees them immediately as he looks towards the bar.

She’s beautiful. They look perfect standing there together and it’s clear from the way they’re standing close that they know each other well. She has a hand on Even’s arm and they’re smiling at each other.

It makes something ugly inside of Isak surface. He doesn’t get jealous easily, but he knows that that’s what he’s feeling right now.

Elias must see something on his face, because he claps him on the back as he follows Isak’s gaze.

“Don’t worry. There’s absolutely nothing between them,” Elias says.

Isak knows that. Knows it without a shadow of a doubt that Even isn’t interested in anybody else but him.

But it’s one thing to know, and another to see. And his gut is screaming at him that they’re standing too close, look too comfortable with each other. And of course they do. They were together for 6 years, Sonja knows Even better than anyone. Better than Isak. Of course they look like they belong together. It’s not easy for Isak to see Even being so intimate with someone else.

Isak is lost in his head and almost startles as Elias starts talking to him again.

“He has a type, huh?” Elias says in a friendly tone, clearly oblivious to Isak’s internal freak-out. Or maybe in a misguided attempt to lighten the mood. “I’ve never thought of it like that, but seeing you and Sonja so close together it’s clear that blond and tall is really doing it for him.”

Elias grins like he thinks he’s being funny, but Isak swallows thickly. Somehow, that doesn’t sit well with him either. He knows that Even likes the way he looks, but to think that he was chosen for things completely out of his control makes his stomach churn.

He suddenly has to get out of there, can’t bear to see Even talk to Sonja anymore, can’t stand the way Elias is grinning at him. He mumbles some lame excuse and he can see that Elias realizes he’s made a mistake as his face falls and he yells after Isak as he leaves.

“I was just kidding! Isak…”

But Isak doesn’t stop to say anything back, just pushes through the throngs of people there, eager to get out.

He just needs some air. Needs to clear his head a bit.

He finds some stairs to sit on next to the entrance of the bar and almost collapses on them.

He hates feeling like this, hates that this is the way he still reacts when he’s stressed. That his first instinct is still to run away.

At least he doesn’t feel like drinking any more than he normally does. The problem is that he’s not used to thinking about his reactions, as he normally just reacts without thinking when he’s wasted. But now that he’s mostly sober he finds himself second guessing how to react to most things.

Including this. How would normal people react? Would they get angry and go shout at Even or at Sonja? Would they throw a drink in his face? Would they leave as well?

Isak doesn’t know.

He just knows that he couldn’t dream of taking it out on either Even or Sonja. This doesn’t quite feel like their fault, this feels like insecurities within himself.

So he stays there, just breathes through it and slowly he can feel himself calm down. He _knows_ that Even isn’t interested in Sonja anymore. Even has made it clear to him time and time again that Isak is the only one he wants. So there’s really no need for him to feel jealous. He tries to shake it off, and he finds that getting some distance actually helps in this case.

Just as he’s almost ready to go back in Even finds him. He looks frantic, like he’s been searching for Isak for a while and the first thing he says as he sees him is, “Isak, thank fuck!” and he pulls Isak up from the stairs and into his arms.

Isak isn’t quite sure what’s happening. Although he’s happy for Even to have found him, it feels like somewhat of an over-reaction. He hasn’t been gone that long, and surely Even must know that he wouldn’t just leave him like that.

But Isak senses that something else is going on in Even with the way he clings to him. Isak tries to pull back a bit, to be able to look at Even, but Even just clings to him tighter and Isak gives into it and tightens his arms around Even as well.

“What’s going on, Even?” he whispers into Even’s neck.

He can feel Even shivering under him, knows that something is definitely up when Even just shakes his head and says, “I’m just happy to see you.”

Isak can hear that that’s not the entire truth, can feel that there’s something underneath that Even won’t admit to him. But Isak isn’t going to push. Even will tell him in his own time. So he just focuses on comforting him instead, which Even clearly needs. And hopes that this is not about Isak’s addiction.

“I wouldn’t leave without you, babe,” he says and Even whines at that. He buries his head in Isak’s neck and Isak just holds him through it.

It’s not like it’s a chore for him to hold Even like that. He enjoys feeling Even close, always likes how it makes Even feel real. Especially since he’s still trying to shake that stab of jealousy that’s made his stomach churn.

Even pulls back enough so that he can kiss Isak and the kiss is dirty and rough from the start. Like Even’s staking his claim on him in some way.

Isak is confused but gives into it. It’s hard not to when Even is like this.

Even pushes him back, makes Isak stumble on a step and that makes Even pull back as he grabs Isak’s arm to steady him.

He’s staring at Isak’s lips, has his other hand clenched tight on Isak’s waist and he looks like he’s ready to go.

Just seeing him like that, pupils dilated, puffy lips and the way everything about him just screams want takes Isak’s breath away and makes his dick stir in his pants.

“Let’s go home,” Even says in a low voice that leaves absolutely no doubt as to what’s going to happen when they do.

Having Even’s gaze on him is a heady feeling and Isak licks his lips in response to how dry it makes his mouth. Even’s eyes follow the movement intently and Isak can sense the urgency in Even in a way he hasn’t before.  

Isak is powerless to do anything but nod.

“Let’s go,” he says and is immediately pulled behind Even as he starts to walk away from the bar towards his place.

Isak follows along with a stupid smile on his face. He’s enjoying this side to Even so far.

When they finally manage to unlock the door to Even’s place they spill inside and it’s frantic from the get-go.

They’re trying to keep kissing while they’re grabbing at each other’s clothes and Isak barely manages to kick off his shoes before Even has ripped his jacket off him and Isak isn’t even sure where he throws it. Even leads Isak into the living room where he opens Isak’s pants and pushes them down to his knees before he throws Isak down on the couch.

Isak bounces on the couch, his dick slapping against his t-shirt covered stomach and he feels kind of stupid like that. Only naked from his waist to his knees. But Even is standing over him, out of breath, eyes almost completely black and he looks so fucking good like that. He’s looking at Isak like he wants to eat him, and Isak wants him to.

Even seems to be fighting for control, looks like he’s trying to catch his breath, but Isak just wants to pull him down onto him, wants to kiss his puffy lips some more, and Even seems to notice how ready Isak is as well, because he starts taking off his own pants.

He gets naked in record time and Isak takes off his own t-shirt while watching Even strip.

Even’s not being sexy about it, he’s just trying to be efficient, but all that newly exposed skin does things to Isak. Makes him want in the best of ways.

When Even is naked he puts his arm under the pillow next to the one Isak is sitting on and pulls out a bottle of lube and a couple of condoms.

“You need to tell me if I do anything you don’t like, Isak,” he says and sounds very serious about it before he continues. “Because I’m going to sit on your dick and ride you hard.”

Isak feels like he’s swallowed his tongue. He’s flushing and panting just at those words, and just like that he’s as frantic as Even.

He gestures for him to sit on his lap all the while he’s muttering _Yes, yes, fuck yes_.

He’s kicking at his pants, trying to get them off, but Even doesn’t wait for him to finish. They’re stuck at his ankles as Even leans down over him and pulls him down by his knees so he’s slouching on the couch, making it easier for Even to sit on him with his long legs.

Even manhandling him like that will never not make Isak’s dick twitch. It’s just too hot.

When Even puts his legs on each side of him, Isak immediately leans in and starts kissing him. He doesn’t care that Even isn’t really putting that much effort into the kiss, is clearly concentrating on opening the lube, but Isak has to kiss Even, he has to.

Finally, Even curses against his lips and leans back and grumbles about how hard the lube is to open and Isak can’t help but smile. He loves this, how it isn’t always just perfect, but still so right.

Even finally gets the lube open and he pours way too much over his fingers in his impatience and then reaches behind himself.

Isak is torn. He wants to do it himself, but at the same time he can see that Even clearly has no patience for the pace that Isak would set, so he just reaches for the condom instead to get himself ready.

“I wish we didn’t have to use that,” Even breathes out and Isak can’t help but look at him, surprised. They’ve never mentioned anything about barebacking before, and honestly, it’s not something that Isak has ever really thought about.

“I wish you could mark me inside and out, get your cum all over me in places where I can’t just wash it off,” Even continues and Isak dick twitches.

Okay, so obviously this is a thing for Isak too.

He leans into Even to kiss him again, hides his moan in Even’s mouth, fucks him with his tongue.

“Hurry up!” he ends up whining between kisses and Even moans at that.

Even preps himself way too fast, Isak isn’t really sure that he’s had time for even two fingers, but he swallows down his objections. If Even thinks he’s ready, Isak just has to accept it. He knows that Even will stop himself if it gets too much.

Even sighs as he pulls out his fingers and wraps the hand that’s just been inside of him around Isak’s dick to make it wet and ready for him.

Isak’s so hard and good to go that he has to grit his teeth at how hard Even grabs him, and he puts his hands on Even’s waist to help guide him. Even just lifts up on his knees and uses his hand to hold Isak’s dick steady as he lines up.

When Even sinks down over the tip of his dick Isak clenches his hands on Even’s waist tightly. He’s starting to sweat just from the breach, from how fucking tight Even is squeezing him and it’s almost too much.

He looks at Even to see if he feels it too, and he just looks like he’s lost to it already. His mouth is slack and his forehead is glistening with sweat and he’s clearly panting. Every muscle in his body is straining, like he’s fighting to hold still, to not shake from it, and it makes Isak want to pull him down on his dick and just give it to him.

But Even clearly wants to be in charge, and it’s so rare that he’s like this.

Isak has such a hard time giving over control that they’ve only done this in increments and he knows that that was what Even’s warning was for. He understands that he can say stop at any time. But seeing Even like this, frantic and desperate for his dick makes him want to experience this. Makes him want to see this through.

He wants to know what it’s like to have Even aggressively fuck him and his dick twitches at that thought even as Even is lowering himself further onto it.

When Even is finally fully seated on top of him, Isak’s dick completely wrapped up in his tight heat, Isak can feel his thighs start to shake from the strain of holding himself back. He throws his head back onto the couch cushion and clenches his teeth against the desire to start moving.

Even is just sitting there, panting with his face scrunched up and Isak is suddenly worried that it’s too much. But Even leans forward just as Isak thinks that and puts his forehead against his.

“Fuck, Isak, fuck!” he mutters with a strained voice and they’re so close that Isak can feel the words against his face. And the way he says those words makes it perfectly clear to Isak that Even is overwhelmed in the best of ways.

He pulls back and locks his gaze with Isak as he slowly starts to move.

At first it’s just sinuous rolls of his hips, like the desperation from moments before has been forgotten but it doesn’t take him long to work up a faster rhythm.

He leans back, puts his hands on Isak’s thighs, puts himself completely on display like that and Isak is in heaven.

Everything about Even like this does it for him. The way he’s taking charge, the way he’s fucking himself on Isak’s dick without Isak doing anything. He’s keeping still the best he can, tries to just keep his hands on Even’s body and not use them to direct him in any way. He puts his hand on Even’s chest, over his heart, and it’s like a revelation to feel how fast it’s beating.

Even finally throws back his head in pleasure, and Isak immediately misses his eyes on him. But he uses the reprieve to look at the rest of Even.

He’s flushed all over, sweating profusely, and Isak wants to eat him up, wants to lick the sweat off his nipples. Even’s dick is straining, red and so hard it looks like it’s almost painful, and he’s leaking precum steadily. Isak wants to taste that too.

He can’t fight the compulsion anymore, needs Even’s skin against his tongue, between his teeth, so he starts to lean up. But the moment his back leaves the couch Even pushes him back with a strong hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t move,” Even says, and it’s not threatening or aggressive, it’s just like he’s telling him to get him the milk for his coffee.

But it’s enough to make Isak stay where he is. It peaks his curiosity where Even is going with this.

Even looks at Isak like he’s making sure that he’s staying put and then it’s like he just gives himself over the pleasure again.  He throws his head back again and ups the pace and Isak is _dying_ at the image Even paints like that.

It’s so hard keeping to himself, so hard to let Even have all the control like that, and Isak is fighting his instinct to put his hands on Even’s waist and just take. He wants to drill his dick up in him, go as far inside of him as he can possibly go, wants to use his grip on his waist to slam him down onto him.

He’s pretty sure that he could find Even’s prostate pretty quickly in this position, could have him coming so hard he’d almost black out in no time, but he grits his teeth against it.

Even’s made it very clear that he’s the one to be in charge, that he wants to make Isak feel good like this, so Isak fights every impulse in his body and keeps his hands on Even light.

He looks at his dick disappearing into Even, looks at how tight Even’s balls already are, at his dick slapping down on Isak’s stomach with every bounce. Isak has to touch. He _has_ to. He needs to smear the precum onto Even’s dick, make it wet and easy to stroke.

So he does, he wraps his hands around it and he pants at how hard it feels under his fingers. But Even’s reaction to that surprises him.

“Don't fucking touch me,” he says and slaps Isak's hand away.

His eyes are still closed, his head still thrown back in pleasure, but he opens them enough to look at Isak. And it takes Isak's breath away the way Even looks at him.

He continues in a low voice. “I’m going to show you just how good you can make me feel, baby.”

Isak whines, the sound so high that his throat almost aches from it. His hands are clenching and unclenching on the couch beside Even, he’s completely given up on touching Even now. There’s no way he can have his hands on him and not just grab hold of him and have his way with him.

With every bounce, every roll of Even’s hips Isak is pushed closer and closer to the edge.

He can feel heat pooling in his stomach, can feel his balls tighten under him, and he puts his hands in his hair and shuts his eyes to keep from coming. Even is too hot like this.

He’s surprised to find how much he’s enjoying this. Experiencing Even get himself off on him, the way he’s using him but for Isak’s benefit too is almost too much.

Isak can hear himself making low-pitched sounds he’s embarrassed of, but he’s too far gone to really care. And besides, it’s only Even here, and he’s shown him time and time again that there’s really nothing Isak can do which is embarrassing.

His thighs are shaking at the strain of holding himself and Even up like he is, and he can feel his strength start to give out, he has to move them a bit, just to ease the strain on the muscles in his legs.

He carefully shifts his legs, just a smidgen, just enough to make new parts of his muscles work for it, but that small movement makes Even clench hard around his dick and punches a groan out of him.

“Fuck, Isak! Don’t move, don’t you fucking dare move,” Even pants out and he has this wild look about him, that makes Isak’s balls ache from holding back his orgasm.

Even is a revelation on top of Isak.

He’s clearly found just the spot where Isak’s dick rubs against his prostate with every down stroke and every time it does it punches another desperate sound out of Even.

He’s clinging to Isak’s arms, like he’s trying to tether himself to reality and Isak can’t stop looking. He’s slack-mouthed and wide-eyed and fucking overwhelmed in the best of ways, Even like this is almost too much to take in.

Even grapples at his arms, his hands clenching tight on whatever part of Isak he can get a hold of, until one lands on his neck and he uses it for purchase to really start grinding his prostate on Isak’s dick.

Isak can see it in the strain of Even’s body, hear it in the sounds he’s making, feel it in the way his walls are clenching around him that Even is really close. And Isak realizes what Even is trying to do, he suddenly just knows.

He doesn’t fight the smile that breaks out on his face at the realization.

“Are you going to come like this, baby?” Isak asks, voice rough, and he knows how much Even loves that.

He doesn’t answer, just makes this whining sound that Isak takes as a yes.

“You look so good like this, you look like you might start coming at any time,” he continues and Even nods, but he still has his eyes closed, still looks lost in the feeling.

“Are you going to show me how good you can be for me? How I’m the only one who gets to touch you like this, gets to give you pleasure like this?”

Okay, so obviously seeing Sonja and Even together has had some kind of impact on Isak’s thoughts tonight, but he can’t help it. And it seems like Even is completely on board, as he just whines and nods again.

“Just for you, you’re only mine,” Even pants out and he looks at Isak. Isak knows that Even would probably be a bit embarrassed by how he’s staking his claim like that if he wasn’t in the throes of passion, but Isak doesn’t care one bit. He needs that possession tonight, needs to know that Even’s just as in this as he is.

“Yeah, only yours, I’m only yours and you’re only mine,” he pants out and they finally meet in the middle in a searing kiss. The kiss is dirty and deep from the start and their tongues are fighting each other making Isak moan into it.

Even turns slack-mouthed and his entire body clenches and stills on top of Isak and before Isak realises what’s happening he can feel something hit his chin and he pulls back surprised.

He looks at Even’s dick in amazement, looks at it shooting rope after rope of cum on Isak’s chest and it’s the best thing he’s ever seen. It pulses with every streak and the sight of Even coming untouched is making Isak dizzy and uncoordinated.

He looks up at Even, and finds his eyes are clenched, his mouth is open and he’s wailing out his release and Isak can’t stand it anymore. He grabs onto Even’s hips and fucks up into him hard and rough.

He notices how the first instroke pushes another glob of cum out of Even, watches the glob run down the length of Even’s dick and Isak whines at that sight.

By now Isak feels almost delirious with it, wants to come so bad, wants to come inside of Even, and for the first time he wishes that he could leave a mess inside of Even as well, that he could mark him up inside and out, show the world that Even is his and only his.

That thought pushes him over the edge and he tightens his grip on Even’s hips so much that he knows it will leave marks, but he just revels in that as he pushes as far inside of Even as he possibly can and starts to shoot into the condom.

He comes and comes, keeps fucking up into Even, keeps pushing his body to prolong the pleasure and he’s lost to it.

His mind is shutting down, is completely gone on the high of the orgasm and the tingling sensation that’s shooting out over his skin everywhere from his groin. His balls empty to the point that it almost aches now, but he doesn’t care. He’s riding the high of his life, and he wants to stay like this forever. Just here, lost in this feeling, together with Even.

Always with Even.

When he comes to, when he finally gets far enough back in his head that he can feel how he’s grunting and shaking he slowly opens his eyes.

He’s met with the perfect sight of Even sitting on top of him just watching him. Even looks completely absorbed in Isak and he slowly starts to smile as he notices Isak is back online.

“Jesus Christ, Even!” Isak pants out, still fighting to catch his breath, feeling dazed.

That just makes Even’s smile bigger.

He leans in slowly in a calculated way, and his eyes shift from Isak’s to his chin.

Isak is confused for two seconds before he remembers that there’s still cum there and he gasps at that revelation. Even wipes it off his chin with a careful finger and pushes the finger against Isak’s lips. He immediately opens up to it, accepts the finger inside and enthusiastically licks the cum off it. It’s so hot that his dick twitches and he wishes he could go again.

“Fuck, Isak!” Even whines and removes his finger so he can kiss him.

The kiss stays serious for only a few seconds before they’re smiling against each other. Even giggles and it’s so infectious that Isak giggles right back.

If it leaves him feeling like this, he’s willing to let Even take control more often.

After, when they’re done cleaning up and have relocated into the bedroom, Even is lying in Isak’s arms for once, with his ear on Isak’s chest.

Isak is debating whether he should say anything, he doesn’t want to ruin the good mood, but on the other hand he can feel this isn’t something that he’ll be able to just let go of.

And he knows that he promised that he would try now, would do his best to give back, and he knows he has to ask. That he can’t just ignore this until it goes away by itself.

“What happened tonight, Even? What prompted this?” he asks and he can feel Even freeze on top of him.

It’s completely silent between them, the only sounds are their breathing and the silence stretches between them. It makes Isak nervous that Even doesn’t just answer him, makes him afraid that something is really wrong.

“I saw you talking to Sonja, does it have something to do with her?” Isak asks carefully.

That sparks a reaction in Even.

“You saw me talk to her?” he asks and lifts his head to look at Isak.

“Yeah. I thought that was why you came to find me? Like maybe Elias said something to you?” Isak asks and he still can’t shake the feeling that something’s off.

Even lies back down again, like he’s deliberately staying away from Isak’s gaze.

“Oh yeah,” he says and Isak is just on the verge of asking about it when he continues, “Wait. Were you jealous, Isak?”

And suddenly he’s playful and leans up on his elbow so he can see Isak and Isak is immediately lost to it. He rolls his eyes and huffs a bit, because obviously he was but he can’t tell Even that. Even’s smile is back on his face in full force and he leans down to kiss Isak.

“I like that you got jealous. I know I probably shouldn’t but I do,” he whispers against Isak’s lips and Isak is powerless against not kissing him again.

They kiss until Isak forgets what he was worried about in the first place. Until he’s just high on the knowledge that he didn’t break anything between them by being a bit possessive.

And it’s easy to ignore that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that Even is lying, that he’s hiding something, when Even is lying on top of him, comfortable and warm, and Isak feels like his chest might burst at any moment with how much he fucking loves Even.

It’s much easier than it should be.     

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot begin to tell you guys how much your support of me and this series has meant to me, you guys are part of why I love being in this fandom. Thank you so much for that, and thank you to all of you who helped me through my (tumblr-public) melt-down while writing this. <3 <3 <3 
> 
> This is the last part in Isak’s POV. I’m almost done with Part 6, which will be the last part of the series. So one more part to go after this one! :)
> 
> You know how happy I get with every kudos and comment, so please indulge me… ;)
> 
> I’m [nofeartina](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/) on tumblr as well, and the post for this fic is [here](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/post/166004649114/send-it-up-nofeartina-skam-tv-archive-of). Come play! :)


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